October 7th, 2013

My precious angel.  It's raining outside, my thoughts wander to the grave, where your beautiful baby body lays.  I know your spirit is in heaven with ot, but i held that warm, baby smelling body in my arms and i wonder if you are cold even though I know you are not in the ground.  You are with God, with my family, but i miss you and want you back with me.  There is no greater love than that of the love for a child.  No greater love then the love i hold for you in my heart.  It's been 102 days since you were taken.  My sweet little pusskin.  I am waiting for the day when i will be with you, i love you angel for all time.

October 9th, 2013

My precious Angel.  How i miss you.  As I watch the leaves falling off the trees, I try and see what you saw.  I remember you looking as if you were memorizing the leaves blowing in the wind.  As if you knew and I didn't.  I was with you 24/7 , day and night.  I don't understand what happened.  It doesn't make any sense.  Your heart stopped, I don't know why.  The Doctor said "you ran out of blood".  My perfect, Angel, My little pusskin, A piece of the puzzle is missing.  Why didn't I know?  You never complained.  I love you so much.  Miss you every single second.  It's been 104 days and this time without you is endless.  Nothing without you.  I smell your baby blankets, your baby smell, I hold your clothing in my hands.  I touch your face and your little hands in your pictures.  I will never stop crying.  My little pusskin

November 5th, 2013

My precious Angel baby.  My little baby boy.  You are always in my thoughts, my memories, my heart.  The tears never stop falling.  I miss you so much.  There is nothing without you.  There is no end to the emptiness within me, around me.  The very air i breathe is stilled.  I am lost.  I love you more then words can say.  You are my everything.  I love you Angel.

November 6th, 2013

Today never ends, it becomes tomorrow, and you are not here.  I love you so much and miss you Angel, my Angel.   You were everything to me.  I grieve so much for the many things you never got to do, for the child you never got to be, for the hamburgers, pizza, food, you never to to eat, the birthday cakes you will never see , or touch or taste.  There was so much you will never have , your first day of school, friends, a two wheel bike, a walk in the rain, the taste of a snowflake.  You will never grow up, play baseball, have a girlfriend, drive a car, have a family, have a son, never see the beautiful smile of a child like you.  All the things you will never experience because you aren't here.

I don't understand what happened, why you aren't here.  The was to e your perfect summer, your year of growing, learning, discovery and adventure.  But you aren't here.  My soul cries out to you every second of the day and night, and it will forever more.

November 8th, 2013

It's almost your birthday.  I can't help thinking if God is going to wish you a happy birthday.  Is anyone in heaven going to remember your special day?  Each and every day was so special and I tried to fill them with happiness.  You were my joy, my happy, my life.  I love you so much, always and forever.

I remember your special day, your last birthday with us, how you eyes shone with lee, how they sparkled with sunshine, your smile made my heart sing,  you blew out the candles and clapped your little hands.  I remember you, my beautiful Angel baby.  I will never forget my sweet pusskin.  I love you always.

November 11th, 2013

My precious Angel.  I watched the snowflakes the other day and remembered how we would turn on the porch light in the evening and you would see the flakes under the light.  You would stand on the coffee table by the window.  You would pull on the wind chimes and dance and jump up and down.  How you loved to jump up and down.  Are you jumping up and down in heaven?  Do you remember the snowflakes, the leaves falling, the rain?  I miss you so much, I love you always my little sweetheart.


November 14, 2013

I was looking at the avon book trying to find something special for you, to bring to the cemetery. I found a Christmas tree with little doors that open, and when you open the doors, it plays Christmas songs. I couldn't stop the tears for i imagined the joy in your face as you would open the doors and listen. But, you will never open them with your little hands, and i will never again hear the laughter and see the wonder in your precious little face.  My heart is broken into so many pieces, it will never mend for you are not here. I miss you so much and love you, my perfect angel. How you loved your " Away in a Manger" song. My Christmas Miracle, I love you.  I love you always and forever, until our spirits embrace when finelly we can be together forevermore.

November 17, 2013

I miss you so much, all i can think about is you. It is almost your birthday and you aren't here. The kinder eggs we buy, we bring to your grave. You can't open them anymore. I can't sit beside you, and give you a drink. I can't look for the longest hickory stick in the bag in the hopes that you might eat it. I can't pat your little hands when you would raise them up to me and you would wait for me to play. I miss you so much, every second of the day and night you are in my heart. I love you my precious angel.

November 28,2013

Your birthday is only a few days away.There are no balloons, no kinder eggs, no wrapping paper; no little boy jumping up and down, no laughter, no giggles, no Christmas shows on the tv; your ipod lays idle, it is not in your hands.  My precious Angel, my thoughts are continuously on you- how you would have loved this birthday. You would have been five years old. Is God preparing for your special day? Do you see balloons, are your little hands clapping are the angels going to sing your happy birthday song? You are so very special to me, my sweetheart, light of my soul, are you being held, do you feel love? Do you remember my touch-how i would touch your beautiful face at night and you would smile. I would lie you on your tummy after you fell asleep, facing me so i could look at you I would hold your little hand while your fingers reached for mine. I would brush the curls from your face and i would thank God for you. Now you are gone, and i can't hold you, or touch you or see you. There is only darkness.. I miss you so much my precious little Angel. I love you 
Puss, my baby angel, always. May God take care of you now, for He has taken you from me. I don't know why you aren't here. i cry and cry and reach for you in my dreams. Oh precious Angel how i miss you. And i will forevermore.

November  29, 2013

  My precious Angel. The people across the street put up their Christmas lights today. How you would have loved to look at them and to jump up and down in front of the window. The Christmas tree would be put up and lights would be playing and joy would cover your beautiful face. Bur you are not here sweetheart, there is no Christmas tree, there is no singing..there is nothing for you weer my everything..and now you are gone. All i want is you my baby, my Christmas miracle. Your birth was just that a miracle. You were so small and bright. So loved, so wanted, so cared for. I don't know what happened, i don't know why you died, i don't understand how a loving God could take such a special boy away. I will never understand this. Everything is so wrong, I miss you so much. I wonder what you are doing in heaven..are you playing, do you continue doing what you did here..do you play, do you have a special someone just for you? i think of you all the time..i love you my Angel..You are my everything .


November 31, 2013

You treasure box we brought back and forth into our room sits in the headboard of our bed; your grey and red sock is still inside with your special toys. You liked to stuff your socks with odds and ends and put them into your box. Some smarties, cards, trains and kinder toys. How you loved opening your kinder eggs and taking out the surprises. I would pass you the little bracelets and you would take them apart. We would do this over and over again,  along with drinks of milk and hickory stix.
   Your blankets are in the headboard with your special baby smell, your crayons , your trains and a little lamb toy. The pajamas, red and blue snowman ones that you loved to wear sit on my dresser,the blue hat you wore outside the very last time you played in the sand. A sock with the shape of your foot, sits on the pile of clothing.Your favourite thomas toy train  sits on the floor, the bear with your actual recorded heartbeat sits on my dresser. I have your pictures everywhere, the videos of all we did  are in my head, my memories; they never stop. I don't want them to.I love you so very much my precious Angel.

December1/2013
 Tomorrow is your birthday. There are no balloons; no one is rushing to the store to have them filled. No balloons that play music, no kinder eggs, no birthday presents, no cake, no candles.Oh, my precious little one how i miss you.Why doesn't God see my pain and feel the depth of my loss? Where are you, angel of my heart? There was never a child loved with the love i have for you.You filled my heart and soul. I am so sorry you aren't here to hold your balloons and eat cake. You would have eaten your cake this year as everything was in place for help.Maybe it would have made a difference, maybe not, we will n ever know as God for whatever reason did not allow it.
  I want to pat your little hands but i can't. You would hold out your precious little hands and wait ever so patiently for me to pat them and then you would give me your beautiful angel smile.There are no words to express how much i miss you .Happy 5th birthday my angel. I love u.

December 2/2013

Today is your birthday, happy birthday Angel Baby.My heart is hurting so much ,i cry to God. I heard music playing at five this morning , it woke me up. I wished you a happy birthday. I pray you are hearing happy music, the happy birthday song. Are the angels having a party for you? Are you five years old now in heaven? Do you remember how much i love u always my angel?
 We all went to the cemetery today, we released birthday balloons and lanterns that floated so high in the sky. How you would of loved to see them. Happy Birthday sweet angel.

Summer 2012;
You were so perfect,so happy, so full of life.The first summer time you went outside it took two weeks before you felt comfortable enough to leave the porch area and begin to explore. You would hold ever so tight to the railing and then you would sit down. Finally, you took that little step and looked at the world with wonder.
 How your baby eyes sparkled with joy and your little hands would wave in the air. You had a green trike, a wagon, a rock and roll bike and a car for the driveway. Your mother would push you to the end of the driveway and back and your little feet would peddle. You never seemed to get tired of it. I would sit on the ledge of the driveway and blow bubbles over and over again as you drove by so you could catch them and watch them. You liked to hold a crayon in your hand. The only way you would get off the bike if it was pushed past the driveway line. Then, you would hop off and get on another bike or your wagon. You liked your comfort zones. We tried to do whatever made you happy. For nothing else ever mattered but you.
  You began to run across the yard to the neighbours; you loved the pebbles in their driveway, the feel of them in your hands. You began to go for walks to the school,to the daycare area. You never wanted to leave. You would walk there with your mother and i would come to help bring you  b. I would hold the phone so you could watch videos while she carried you back. You would go for walks down the street with your mother, i would watch you. There was a crab apple tree and you loved to pick those little apples. You would fill your pockets with them, your hands and your mother's purse. Then, you would kneel in the driveway beside me and you would put the apples all in a row and count to ten; ten apples. You did this over and over. You were so smart, my little one.
 I made sure you went outside every time the weather was good. You always wore a hat and a sweater, or a jacket. You wore long sleeved shirts and jogging type pants. You didn't like to have your skin bare.
  You loved playing in the sand. You had a large tugboat sandbox inbetwen the houses. You had a turtle sandbox in the back yard.  We would sit on the swings and watch you play. I loved to see you playing. You
 tried to eat the sand, you liked it. You would throw it up in the air. You had an orange teapot.
  You liked to jump in the trampoline with your mother. You would sit and she would run circles around you. You were a little popcorn and you would laugh and laugh. You had a winnie the pooh house on the deck, you liked to open and close the door. You had a castle with a door, you loved to pen and close all doors. You had play structures, you would slide down into the grass and get up and do it again. You loved the glider the best of all. You would sit in front of your mother and go back and forth. I would sit on the tree house stairs and talk to you. You would swing on the swings and lean across on your belly and unravel. You would play with the sand under your swings. You would play in the tree house. You had a sandbox in there, a wooden fridge, a kitchen a washer and dryer. You played in the leaves, you sat in the clover patch. We blew bubbles. I tried to fill every second of the day with things for you to do.
  Then, we would come inside, your mother would change you and i would get your bottle of milk. You would sit in your car and i would push you back and forth in front of the tv while i gave you drinks of milk and snacks. Everything was for you little angel.I miss you, i miss your laughter, i miss your smilies and your happy fac e. I miss watching you play.  Oh precious angel i love you.

Summer 2013:
 You only went outside two times in may before you passed away. You didn't want to go outside but you did. I think you did it to make me happy.
  You rode your trike one time, i blew bubbles for you, you didn't want to ride your trike for long, you seemed out of breath. You played in the sandbox, you went on the trampoline, you walked around the yard, you went on the glider and into the treehouse. You went for one walk and you wanted me to come, you held my hand and your mothers and she carried you back.
  You didn't want to go out anymore, you would fuss if you saw your outside clothing,your shoes. You would sit in your chair and watch the leaves blowing in the wind as if you would never see them again. You seemed to know and i didn't.I am so sorry my Angel Baby.
  We tried to get medical treatment, to see what was wrong. You saw the doctor, Help was so close. We needed a diagnosis for your autism. Everything took too long. We knew you seemed weaker; you were not as  energetic as before, but you weren't sick. You never cried or complained. I did everything in my power, everything possible but it wasn't enough. I don't know why. You had a fresh bottle every hour during the day and every hour and a half at night or sooner if  you wanted one and would drink one. You never held your bottle, you held your ipod, your six circles, your six soothers. I always held your bottle; always talked to you about everything. You always listened. You would say gramma. I love you Angel Baby and miss you more than words can ever express. I am so sorry pusskin. You are forever in my heart, my soul, my thoughts. You will always be close to me.

December 5/2013;

 MY little angel, i touch your pictures but i can't feel anything but a memory of your baby face. I reach my arms out for you; you aren't here. I keep your crayons in my pockets, (the ones with little bites out of them) so i can reach in and feel them. I miss you so very, very much. The living room sits empty, you aren't here. There is no christmas tree in the corner singing merry christmas. There is no more merry. There are no christmas lights or stars hanging and shining outside . You aren't here to look at them. There is nothing without you my precious boy, only endless time, emptiness and a sea of pain. You were the very sunshine of my soul. The tears will never stop falling for there is nothing, nothing but darkness. I love you so much my precious angel.

December 9,2013;

 I watched a video of you eating jello, by the computer. I had never seen it before. You put your fingers into the jello and licked them off. You were so alive, so happy, so you. I know your spirit lives and is with God, but i want you here with me , my precious boy.
 It's snowing right now, large flakes. You loved to watch them. You would be standing by the christmas tree right now singing and clapping tiyr hands, watching christmas videos, " Olive the other reindeer, smurfs christmas, mr . Magoo chipmunks christmas, cartoontowne, santa claus" How you loved those shows, you would watch them over and over again. You would have your ipod in one hand while i pushed you in front of the tv in your green car. You had pulled off the steering wheel so your legs would fir over top and you would sit there and i would give you drinks and snacks and all was well with the world.  I see you with my mind and heart as the beautiful memories of you flood my being. But, you aren't here, you beautiful, baby smelling little boy body is buried in the ground, being snowed on, your spirit is somewhere with God and i am here alone without my baby. I love you so much my little angel baby.
 I'd give anything to go back in time and to hold your precious little hand, to pat it like you loved for me to do; to hear you laugh and to see that gorgeous smile and to touch your face. You  were my world, you are my world, you are my life. There is nothing else for me. My tears and loss do not touch the heart of God, they mean nothing. I love you pusskin. and i miss so so.

December 11,2013;

  We're going to the cemetery today. I'm bringing the christmas bell that is sound activated.You liked it. And also, your Santa's Rocking" dvd. You loved the wiggles songs. How you would clap and sing along to them. Your favourite wiggles song was " Rock a bye your bear" You would stand up and dance and rock your bear. You would laugh  and clap your hands. It always got your attention.
  You would put 'Rocking Santa in the dvd player in the computer. You would sit on my lap and i would bounce you up and down, we would sing and you would tap your fingers to the music, your little feet would sway to the music. Is there christmas music playing in heaven ? Do you remember ":Away in a manger" how we played that song repeatedly on the computer after you were born? Do you remember my angel how much i love you? I miss you so very much . Nobody knows or understands the pain in my heart and soul.  I love you little one for all eternity.

December 12/2013;
 
 Merry christmas little pusskin. We would have been running around now looking for surprises four you, for chritmas kinder eggs. Now, we do nothing: everyone has gone on with their lives. They all have their own routines. My only routine was you, little one, and only you. Now there is emptiness everywhere, i am alone without you. I miss you so much angel baby. I love you.

December 15,2013;
 
 10 days till christmas. There is no laughter; no joy; no sound of wrapping paper or music; no jingle bells; no christmas cartoons; no christmas kinder eggs; no clapping of precious little hands; no sounds of a beautiful child.
  I look at your pictures on the wall of last christmas. I reach for you and feel you in my memories, but i touch paper, my arms don't hold you, you aren't on my lap. I'm not pushing you in your car and giving you drinks of milk. How can this be? I don't understand. The knowledge in my head doesn't explain to my heart. Where are you angel? I know you are in heaven. I hope so much you are so special to someone there. I know you are one of many but i want you to have someone for you who knows you are so special, like you will always be to me. Someone who makes you feel special, makes you laugh. I love you so much little one.How i miss you.

December 16,2013;

 My Christmas Miracle: Where are you? You aren't here with me and my heart is in so many pieces.I love you so much. The depth , the never ending love should be able to reach to the very heavens, through the veil to you. My heart and soul cry for  you every second, every heartbeat, i reach for you. MY precious little angel, this time without you just goes on and on. How can the universe,how can God not intervene, how much pain and hurt can anyone have to bear? why are you not here? I miss you so much. There is nothing without you, endless nothing.I reach for you, and long for your laughter, your touch, your beautiful baby smile.
 We are going to the cemetery tomorrow. It's almost christmas.We won't be together this christmas eve, you and me. I used to sing that little song to you " together we'll be, you and me' forever you'll see, you and me." I'd give anything to hold your baby body once more next to mine, to see your blue eyes and to touch your curly hair and to pat a cake with you. My life is nothing without you, you were my life, my happiness, my joy. Why did the God i have always loved and believed in allow this terri8ble thing to happen to you. Why??? I pray you are hearing christmas music, " away in a manger" your favourite baby song when you came home from the hospital. It played for a good six months on the computer. I wanted you to have music. I pray you remember my love, it will never cease.  I will brush the snow off of your resting place tomorrow, i will bring something for you. My tears are falling now as i writer this. They will never stop for you will always be my everything. My precious little Pusskin. I love you.

Dec ember 19,2013:
  We went to the cemetery yesterday.You are never far from me little one. My thoughts are always on you, no matter what i am doing. There is no greater pain, no greater loss than that of my precious, beautiful boy. You were my life, you are my life. Four and a half years wasn't enough, wasn't long enough with you. I just don't understand this. I miss you so much. You should be here with me, playing with your thomas trains, your ipod, watching christmas shows, singing jingle bells with me. You should be sitting in your blue rocking chair watching the many lights on the tree, looking at them with child wonder and excitement. You should be opening christmas kinder eggs right now. You should be in my arms feeling my love, your heart beating next to mine. But you aren't here. My arms are empty and i don't hear you singing jingle bells with me. My heart breaks over and over again with tears and pain that will never end till we are together again. I cry for the many, many things you will never get to do, i love you my precious angel for all of eternity.

December 21,2013;
 
 I was always with you little one. I only went out twice a month, to get groceries and to get my allergy shot.If you saw my shoes, my coat or purse you would fuss, you didn't want me to go, to leave you.I always made sure you had enough milk and snacks when i had to go out. I had to sneak out the back door so you wouldn't see me leave. And when i came home you were always waiting for me at the window in your mother's arms; waiting to see what treasures  i had brought home for you. You would squat down and look through all the bags, there was always book, kinder eggs and thomas trains for you.
  I went to the mall today,  I saw the riding toys in the mall, a mickey mouse with a seat beside it to sit on, a bike, the ones you put money in. You never got to play in them, to see them; you didn't get to run around the mall or to eat an ice cream at dairy queen. I feel such sadness, waves and waves of sadness. You never knew anything of this world. But you had all of my love, all of my time. I did everything i knew to do for you but it wasn't enough.You aren't here and i am so very sorry my little angel baby, my baby angel. There is no precious, beautiful little boy with me tonight. No little hands to clasp, no curls to push away from your face, no one to call for gramma. I miss you so much sweetheart. No body knows how my heart breaks for you. There is no merry in christmas this year. It is a day i dread instead of look forward to.  I trusted in God and He took my little boy. My precious little angel. I love you.

December 22,2013:
   I am missing you so very much. You're supposed to be here watching christmas shows; How you loved Arthur's Christmas, Chipmunk Christmas, Smurf's Christmas, Mr. Magoo, Cartoontown, Rudolf,Wiggles Santa's Rockin, and Yule be Wiggling. I remember everything. U were my everything. I don't know what happened. You are so special, so different, so beautiful. My heart cries and cries. I look for any signs God might send. But there is nothing > There is nothing but silence, the absence of jingle bells, wrapping paper, christmas. You aren't here,I miss you so. I love you my little angel.

DECEMBER 24,2013;
  It's christmas eve. Merry christmas little angel. I miss you so very much. I can't stop the tears from falling. You are my world, my universe, my everything. What are you doing right now in heaven? Is there christmas music, do you hear some jingle bells..could there maybe be a santa ? Is there a special someone there just for you ? You are supposed to be here with me, now, sitting on my lap and singing, watching christmas shows, opening kinder eggs, eating christmas treats. But, you aren't here and i am so lost without you. I have pieces of your hair on my dresser, on your blue hat, on your christmas pajamas on my dresser in our room. I touch it, hold it in my hand and i cry out to God at the injustice of it all. I miss you more than words can ever express. I don't know what happened. Please God have mercy. Let my little angel feel love, and joy and christmas warmth in your love. Let him feel the depth and length of my love. Let him know he is the light of my heart, my soul. I love you my sweet little one. Merry christmas.

December 25,2013: Christmas Day:

 I woke up this morning looking for you, remembering last christmas, knowing there isn't any more with you. Something went so terribly wrong and i don't know what happened. I have to go through the motions of christmas while the tears within me cry out for constant release. I can't hold you, give you a christmas egg, gifts. I can't look into your beautiful blue eyes and feel the sunshine of your smile.; or hear your sweet little giggle. You were supposed to get a new train table and everything you could possibly want. Lots of toys and christmas eggs and snowman pajamas. How you loved your snowman pajamas.. I miss you so much sweetheart. I pray you are hearing music and feeling joy. There is supposed to be joy in the presence of God, you were my joy, my everything. Remember my love little one this day and forevermore. I miss you so very much my precious, perfect angel baby, my baby angel.I love you.  Merry christmas.

December 26,2013;

 My little sweetheart, how i miss you. We went to the school tonight and released lanterns. You would have loved to watch them. We will do that every year in your memory.I love you so much little one. Yesterday, was so hard without you. You are supposed to be here; you were supposed to grow up, to have a family, children. To play, to have fun, to feel the warmth of the sun on your skin, the coolness of a snowflake to watch the leaves falling and feel the raindrops. To see the leaves blowing in the wind, the frost pictures on the window panes.  Bur you  aren't here. This is so wrong. I am so sorry my baby, my angel. I tried so hard to make everything perfect for you, but i missed something. I don't understand. I know you must have been so scared and confused when you woke up in heaven and i wasn't there and everything was different. I love you so mush, always, forever, for eternity. And i am so lost without you, The  God i have always believed in  can do all things so i don't understand why He allowed this to happen.
 There is nothing but empty space and time an absolute nothing without you. I love you little pusskin.

December 29,2013:

 I am missing you so very much little one. Emptiness is all around me. I hold the pieces of your hair, your beautiful brownish blonde curls that i cut when you were sleeping. I touch ur face in your pictures, try to feel the warmth of your skin, remember your heart beating on mine. I always used to say little angel your heart on mine. Now it isn't anymore. It's not beating anymore. I can't hold my beautiful little boy and i can't stop crying. Why did this happen to you, to all of us. What great sin did we commit to be robbed of you, of being with you? My heart breaks every second of the day and night with your loss, with the loss of all the child things you nev er got to experience, growing up..playing. I want to see you, to see your smiling face, to hold your little patacake hands, to touch you, to hear your say gramma, to feel the beating of your heart.
 We are going to try and to go to the cemetery tomorrow if we can. It's been over a week since we have been there. I know it is just your body that lies there and that you spirit is in heaven with God and my family. But, i want you here with me. I am so sorry little puss. I miss you so mush. I love you little angel. I can't stop crying.

December 30/2013;

  Little Angel Baby, we went to the cemetery today.There was so much snow.We brushed all the snow off of your stone and your things. Things you loved and some new things; the christmas storybook i had brought,  that you will never hold in your hands and read.Your mother brought a christmas kinder stuffie and sylena brought a blue and silver little car. Your music box was covered in snow. How you loved that music box. It came with your bassinet and we put it in our room on the headboard so i could reach it. I would play the music box every nap, every sleep, every day for you.It played for half an hour at a time, classical music, it worked with batteries. I would wake up whenever it stopped playing and press the button. It was a part of you, of who you are, of what you did, of what you loved.
  I was reminded today of the construction paper fans i would make for you while you were at the table and i tried to amuse you to get you to eat. You would unfold them and i wouldmake them over and over again for you. We would trace your little hands on paper with crayons.You would spread ypour fingers out so i could draw them. One time you put in the finger nails and drew in the lines on your hand. You were so very smart.You would have your crayons at the table in your little jewelery  box with a mirror.  You would look at yourself in the mirror and make faces. You would eat some crayon paper and i would get in bites of strawberries and blueberries and many drinks of milk. You loved your milk. We would watch finger songs on u tube on the computer, it would distract you and you would open your mouth for me. You would do the motions with your fingers.."daddy finger, mommy finger, sister finger, brother finger,baby finger." You would pick the videos as they popped up on the computer and i would feed you. You always had plates of snacks, crackers and banana. I don't know what happened little one, I miss you so very much. I love you Baby Bear with all my heart and soul for all time.

December 31/2013:

 It's new years eve. I can't stop the tears, my heart cries out for you. Your blue chair sits empty, you aren't here with me. There is no precious , beautiful little boy with me. I can only see your smile in your pictures, pictures that there will be no more of. How can everything continue on when you aren't here. You are supposed to be here with me, with all of us. A new year will be staring in a few hours, and it's going to be starting without you. My precious baby angel my love reaches out to you,. My arms long to hold you, my little pusskin. I need to your your little voice say "gramma" to clap your hands as you would hold them up for me. You would wait and you would look at me and laugh. I need your laughter, your love, i need you my angel baby. My beautiful boy , you were my whole life, you are my whole life. You are my world. There is no new year for me without you. I love you so much .

January 5,2014:
 This is a new year now, that's what the calendar says but it feels the same. You aren't here my precious little angel and i miss you all the time. Time means nothing without you, it is nothing without you. Today is nothing but the repeat of yesterday, and tomorrow more of today. This existing serves no purpose. You are my life, there is nothing else. My very soul cries out for you and i can't find you.I just don't understand what happened, how this terrible thing could happen. This is so wrong , my baby boy. You are my world and you aren't here. I need to touch your face, to see the blueness of the depths of your eyes, to hear your voice, to pat your hand. I miss you so sweetheart. My thoughts are always on you, you are my everything. I love you so much .I reach for you in your pictures, i hold out my arms and i can't feel you. Nothing makes any sense, there is no purpose. You are my love, my joy, my life and there is nothing but empty time and space. I love you my angel baby, my baby angel.

January 8,2014: I am missing you so very much.I can't stop the tears from falling. They fall down my face, from my heart. I want to hold you next to me, to hear your voice, to feel your skin, to pat your little hands. But i can't. You would hold up your hands for me and i would pat them back and forth between each hand. You would watch twinkle little star on my phone at bedtime and you would do your little twinklers and jump on the bed. You would watch yourself jumping in the mirror. You are so beautiful. You are so very special. My soul cries out to God at the injustice, the wrongness of this. You were so innocent, so pure, so perfect. You used to pick daisies and dandelions for me. You would pull the petals off the daisies. You would bring handfuls of rocks into the house and little red apples. You had the most beautiful smile i have ever seen. I love you little angel . I cry and c ry and i will never stop. For you are not here.

January 15/2014;
 My thoughts are always about you. I look outside. There was a little gazebo in the front yard for you. It had a door for you to open and a window. It had a blue chair inside for you to sit on and a little table that would come down. You would open and close the window, you would be holding little pebbles in your hand. We always made sure there wasn't any spiders or any outside things in it. It was for you. Everything was for you. Everything i tried to do was just for you. Do you know how very special you were , are to me?  I search and search for you, but i can't find you. There are no more pictures, there will never be anymore. Your life stopped at four and a half. My life stopped too. I reach for you in your pictures.I look deeply into your eyes and i touch your smile . I remember everything my little angel. You liked to turn off all the lights. I would try to turn them back on. You would climb up on your cube and watch your shadow dancing in the sunroom window. You had a pool with many plastic balls you would slide into. You would lie on the slide and read books.You would play play doh at your desk. You would sit on your horse. I miss you so very much my perfect, precious little one. My heart cries and cries for you. I love you angel.

January 18,2014:
  I try to make sense of everything, but i can't. I look at all the pictures. Everyone grew up, but you, my angel. You will never be any older, never need a new checkered ,blue winter coat or pajamas from oshkosh. I will never get to dress you, to put on your socks, to tickle your little choochie coos. Nothing, nothing but pictures that feel like paper when i touch them. I can't feel the warmth of your skin or touch your fingers and have them reach out to me. I can't put your circles or your ipod in your hand. You are so very special, so very beautiful. My heart keeps breaking over and over again, my tears keep falling. I need to hold you in my arms, to bounce you on my lap while you watch wiggles on the computer. I need to look into your eyes and tell how much i love you., my baby puss. But i can't. For some unknown reason God took you from me and left me in hell. I will never hold you in this world again, i will never see you open a kinder egg again or hear your precious little voice say"gramma". Why????? I cry out to God but i don't get an answer. I love you so very much little angel baby. How i miss my little boy.

January 20,2014:
 The snow has little sparkles in it as it is so cold. My heart is breaking , you can't see the little diamonds .I just don't understand why i am allowed to stay here and see and you aren't here to see anything.You are supposed to be here with me, with us.  There is so much snow, the few leaves that are still on the tree are snow covered, brown. You looked at those leaves last summer, through the window and they were green, tossed about in the wind. You liked to watch them. Now, you can't watch anything here. I look at your pictures and love the time we had together, but it wasn't enough. You would be five years old now and almost a month old. How many wonderful things you would be doing.
 I always made sure you were dressed just right for the weather. I'd go and pick several sweaters and jackets and then decide which one you would be the most comfortable in. You didn't like to try on any clothes ever. I will never get to dress you again. Your favourite clothes are on my dresser were they always were. I always tried to make sure you were just right, that you were ok. But something went wrong and i didn't know. I am so sorry. There is nothing i would not give to have you with me now. To hold my precious angel baby once more.
 You loved to pick your videos on youtube at bedtime on my phone. You loved " fisher price record player and loved watching the older ones as well. You loved to pick out the "lego dispenser" videos and watch them over and over. I always thought of when you would be old enough to make a real one yourself. But you never will be. I know you have no idea of how much i miss you . How much i love you and am hurting for you. I just need you to be ok in heaven. I love you so much and my heart will never stop breaking.

 January 21,2014:
   We went to the cemetery today,your mother, your grandmother and i.It was so very cold and there was no place to walk. Your mother shoveled a path to your resting place. I brought you , your orange thomas train, the one with the magnet on the end. How you loved everything thomas. How you loved life, how you loved your crayons. Your crayon container sits in the closet. You would dump them on the ground and i would pick them up, I like to touch them because you did.  I brought two of your crayons.
  I miss you so much my little angel baby. I need to hold you, to hear your laughter, to see you opening a kinder egg. i need to touch your hair. A piece of your hair sits on your blue hat on your clothes and i hold it and cry. I will never stop crying till i am with you again. But it won't be the same. You are missing so much here and it isn't right. I am so sorry baby  boy. I love you for all time.

January 23,2014;
  Screaming at God doesn't do any good, He doesn't listen.He didn't protect you and keep you safe. I prayed and prayed each day for you and then i prayed for faith that God would hear my prayer. Now, my baby angel is gone. I have to be here without you in this endless hell. Oh little one i miss you so much. I am so angry ay the injustice of it all.A beautiful, happy little boy taken for no reason. I don't understand. I want o hold you little sweetheart, I want to feel your heart beating on mine. I want to look into your eyes and pat your little hands. But, i can't. Your precious life was stolen. It is almost seven months now. I am still  here and you are not. What cruelty is this that takes an innocent child from this world? I reach for you all the time. I want to see  you playing, and growing. I want to go shopping and buy you clothes and toys.But i can't. You aren't here anymore. The sun keeps shinning, there are birds flying outside.But i have no little boy to hold my hand and to smile at me, to say "gramma."  I don't want to be told you are in a better place. I want you to be here with me, in my arms.Heaven didn't need you, but i do.My tears will never stop , for my heart will n ever mend. I love you so much little angel, and i miss you.

January 24/2014:
 i walk from room to room, over and over again, with my beautiful memories of you.Your pictures smile and gaze at me with such love and trust.I don't feel you when i touch your smile. I have to reach into my heart but there are too many broken pieces. I remember every picture, every gesture, every moment, all of it. All the time we had together. Now, i have nothing but time, time that is silent, time that doesn't move, it just is. You aren't here and there is nothing at all without you. I can't go back in time, i have tried, but it just won't happen. Heaven took yo9u like a thief in the night. And i want you back. You are so precious, so beautiful to me. I love you little one.  I cry to heaven for release but i am still here.  And you are not.

January 27,2014:
  My little angel baby, i tried to do everything for you, to make sure you had everything,i gave you all of myself that i could give to you, all the love within me was for you. I watched you 24/7. And i failed. My little angel boy you are no longer here in this world, no longer here with me.And i don't know why. Why God allowed this terrible thing to happen to you, to me. Every time i got a bottle for you, i would place the pillows and blankets around you, i would make sure your music box was playing your songs, i would
check on you while the water was running to warm your milk. I let the water run until your bottle was just perfect the way you liked it. Every little detail. And it didn't matter, you aren't here.I would roll you unto your tummy after your bottle and i would touch your face and  you would smile in your sleep when you felt my finger on your face. You know my touch. I would hold your hand when you were sleeping and i would go to sleep knowing you were good. I watched you more than any child is ever watched, but death took you anyway. I am so sorry my precious little one. There will never be a greater love than what i feel for you always. Now, i can't touch your beautiful face, or hold your precious little hand that would curl around mine, i can't see the warmth of your smile , i can't see your beautiful baby face.I can't do anything but hold tight to every little memory, every feeling , every smile. And cry and cry. I cry out to God but there is no answer. Now, there are no more memories being made,everything changed, everything stopped.I love  you little, precious angel baby. And i cry.

January 30,2014:

 I am missing you so very much. That will never change for time only makes each second without you so much harder. I wonder what you are doing in heaven, do you remember me, are you aware of this life? You are the most precious gift  to me, my miracle baby. I think of you constantly.Do you have toys in heaven, do you have an ipod, are you holding your circles and your soothers tightly in your hands? Are you watching your favorite shows, is there someone there who is loving you with the depth and amount of love i have for you?  What do you see,remember? Do you remember or will you remember when my spirit is finally free to embrace yours? Time stopped physically for you on this earth. I don't know why. I am so sorry my little angel boy. Time stopped for me, even though i am alive physically , i am dead inside for i do not have my precious little boy.Each day is just like the one before with nothing. You were my everything, are my everything, always and forever my angel.
 You loved to watch"I'm a gummy bear"  over and over on the computer. You would sit on my lap and i would bounce you up and down to the music. second, every minute of your life is so alive in me and then i look and you aren't here. Everything stopped. I hurt so much for you. Where there was music;there is silence. where there was joy, there is sadness, where there was laughter, there are tears. For my precious, beaytiful baby is gone. I lov e you little one for all time.

February 1,2014:
 I went to the store today to get you a valentine surprise.I found a book that says"I love you." and i put valentine hearts on it and wrapped it up in clear wrap. And i found a monkey with hearts all over its belly.And a kinder egg, a pink one , because you always loved the little bracelets. We would take them apart and put them back together over and over again. Angels are there valentines in heaven? Do you have a big toy box where  you keep your favorite toys? Can you play on a cube and go down a slide, can you play in sand and clap you little hands? Can you taste a snowflake? I love you so much angel baby. I miss you more than words can express.Every thought i have is only of you, nothing else, for there is nothing in my world now, without you. My precious boy. I want you to have valentines, a new thomas train,a smile on your face and laughter bubbling from your heart.I want you baby angel. Rivers flow from my heart.I go shopping to bring gifts to your grave. The cruelty of life stings from every side. You aren't here. I reach for you and can't hold you. I love you Baby angel.

February 4,2014:
 MY precious angel; I was sleeping last night, i opened my eyes and i saw what looked like a picture of you. I saw your face inside of a circle. You were black and white, there wasn't any colour. You looked a bit older, your hair was back a bit with your beautiful curls, ringlets. It was very quick. I know i saw you. I was awake., not sleeping. It was strange. I felt i wasn't meant to wake up but i did. I don't know why i woke up, maybe it was to catch a glimpse of my beautiful boy. I love you so very much, there are no words to express how much i love you always. it is always you, there is nothing else. I put up more pictures of you yesterday. It was such wonderful, happy time we had together. Now, there is only time with nothing in it. You aren't here and my arms remain empty . This is so wrong. You should be here. I have no answers, i am so sorry my precious baby angel. I would have given my life for yours a million times over. I miss you so much. My beautiful precious boy. Gramma loves you  always forever, for all time.
February 8,2014:
  My precious angel baby. The sky was so blue today, like your eyes, so warm, so springlike. I feel such pain that you aren't here to see the wonders of this world. The leaves on the tree in front that you loved to watch. I sit where you sat and try to see how you saw everything and then the tears start falling and never stop. I miss you so much my angel.Always you are and will be my angel, my life. Without you there is nothing. I think of you all the time. When i go to the store and see children, i feel angry because you are not there. You are not picking out valentine toys and valentine kinder eggs .  You didn't have a birthday or christmas. What are you doing in heaven? I would have given my life for yours a million times over. I don't understand a God who could take an innocent baby child, you are so special. The tears flow from my heart and i reach for you but you aren't here, only pictures and memories, beautiful memories, but there isn't enough of them. I want some more but i can't have any more in this world. Oh my beautiful boy, i love you .

February 11,2014:
  I miss you so very much my precious little one. I dreamed about you this morning. We were at the farmhouse in beaver lake in my room. I knew it was my room , i saw the rounded metal bedframe and the plank floor that was painted like a contractor blue. You were on the bed and i gave you a bottle and you drank it all. You were so thirsty. Then, i gave you some food and you ate it.  I had a jar of strawberry baby food which i was going to give you later on as i didn't want to give you too much to make you sick, i knew you hadn't eaten for awhile. I knew you had been gone but i didn't see it as surprising that you were back. You looked so healthy. Your hair was curly, long, ringlets and i touched it and i felt such joy in it, in being with you again. Then, a lady came in with m any children and there was a man, these were small children. They were all wearing shirts of easter colours, with a bumblebee on them, they came into the room and i talked to the lady. I asked her where she had bought her children's shirts and she said" giant tiger." I went into the next room to get you a clean shirt. It wasn't a shirt i had ever seen before, it did have long sleeves. It was in a long wooden dresser with many drawers. As i was bringing the shirt to you fluffy woke me up. It was so real. Does easter have some significance to us? As the shirts reminded me of easter.  It was as if the lady and the man came and checked on us to see if we were alright. I knew you had been gone and now you were back. I wasn't surprised by it. It just was. Oh precious baby angel you are forever in my thoughts, my heart, my soul. There is nothing but you. I wait and wait for God to release me from this world so we can be together again. To look into your beautiful blue eyes and hold you. I love you pusskin and i will be with you again.

February 14,2014. valentine's day:
 I can't give you any valentine's cards, i can't give you valentine kinder surprise eggs, i can't give you any new valentine thomas trains. I can only touch you face in your pictures and cry. I miss you so much puss. This is so wrong and so unfair. Why did the God i always trusted take you away from us, from me? Why do other people's children get to live, to play, to run, to be children, to grow up and have families, to grow old and my precious, innocent baby angel lies in a box in the ground covered  by snow. I don't understand and the screams within me know no ending for  the one i loved and cherished the most is gone and i am here. I am so sorry my little pusskin. You loved helium balloons, the ones that played music when you would tap them with your hand and you would watch them. I remember every little detail of our time together. Nothing is forgotten, for it is all written in my very soul, the soul that cries out to a cruel God for answers. What are you doing in heaven? Are you alright? I have to believe you are alright. I have to believe you have a special someone to care for you and that you are waiting for the time when we can be together again. I wait for that each day. Does heaven recognize holidays? Do the memories of how much you are loved keep you safe? I tried little one, i tried so hard, everything was for you but something went wrong and i am so sorry. I love  you my sweet boy. Every thought i have is only of you. I love you always  and forev ermore, you are my heart.

February 15,2014:
  The sun keeps shinning,the sky is blue,and the snow has little sparkles.And all i have are pictures and memories and feeling. What right has nature and life itself to go on when you aren't here? Time itself has stopped for me but the numbers on the calendar mark the passing of days. I know my feelings don't matter. How i feel is nothing for there is nothing.There is only you my precious little angel baby. I trace my fingers over  and along your crayon markings. I touch the toys you touched and hold the clippings of your beautiful hair. I miss you so very much. I grieve for the coun tless, many things you never got to do, to experience, to discover and to find joy in. You didn't get any valentine cookies, or a donut with red, pink and white sprinkles on it. You liked to pick the sprinkles off the donut and sometimes you would even eat them. My soul cries out to God, to a God that doesn't hear me, or who refuses comfort, for there is no comfort. Nothing can bring comfort now, you are gone. I love you little baby angel.

February 19,2014.
  My precious angel, i am missing you so very much. The sun is so bright, my heart breaks for you constantly. Your beautiful smile isn't here.Your pictures are everywhere. I touch your face,your hair, your smile and i cry and cry. I see my beautiful boy everywhere. This is so very wrong. Your white pebble rock sits outside on the window sill.How you loved the little pebbles from next door's driveway. How you loved to ride your little green bike and your rock and roll trike. Your little legs would peddle while your mother pushed you. You never would peddle by yourself. I would blow so may bubbles for you as you rode by me so you could see them and touch them. I have such precious memories but then they stop and i don't understand why you aren't here. You are supposed to be here, growing, playing, laughing, living life to the fullest and you aren't here anymore. The sun keeps on shining , the sky is blue, there are little buds on the tree in front but i don't see you, i don't hear your little voice say "gramma" > i search for you but you aren't here. I scream at God why and there is never an answer. My precious little angel i am so sorry. Are you in God's sunshine? Is someone holding you hand and loving you, you are so special my angel. I love you baby boy, my angel, my pusskin, my baby bear.

February 22,2014:
 The little boy across the street is playing in his snow pile.He is making footprints. I look for your footprints, my baby angel and i can't find any. There are none. You aren't here in this world anymore and my heart cries to a God who shows no mercy. In taking you my most precious boy, God took my everything. You aren't here to play in the snow, to be pulled on a sled, to touch a snowflake, to be amazed at the wonder of winter. Your little boots sit on the shelf in my closet, never to be worn again. You wore them last to the dr.s office. you wore your grey socks, white undershirt, long sleeved light blue shirt,diamond sweater and jogging pants. Now, i don't get to pick your clothes every day and to dress you. I can't dress my baby boy anymore. Your body sleeps in the grave, in your red fleece snowman pajamas, white undershirt, and grey socks. You loved those pajamas. I have some on my dresser in our room where i kept them. They will remain there till i finally get to be with you again in heaven. O precious one how i miss you so. Your life was stolen, your future, everything taken without a reason. I don't understand why you aren't here playing, laughing running around anymore. I want my baby angel so mush but i don't know how to turn back time. I love you so much angel.

February 23,2014;

 I walk around in endless nothing, grasping unto memories, of every second, every minute of our time together.Of feeling your heart beating on my hand, of your heart beating on mine.The flutter of angel wings. I would lift you up off of the bed in the morning and i would hold you close and feel your heartbeat on mine.I would look at you and say" your heart on mine." Now there is no little boy to hold close, to feel that precious beat of your heart, there are only memories, yours and mine, I always thought like that disney song" together we'll be, you and me, forever, you'll see, you and me." i used to sing it to you. I used to sing to you all the time. How you loved music. Your music box played all night, your videos everywhere, your ipod. You loved to play the organ and dance. You liked to sway your hands to the music like you were conducting an orchestra. I always thought you would grow up and do something with music. It came from inside of you and you could hear it. It was part of you. I miss you so very much. I looked at a picture of you sitting on my bed. Your mother would touch your little nose and say"beep,beep,beep" and you would automatically say "hello." Sometimes you didn't want to say hello but you did it anyway and you would look so disgusted. You were so smart. you could repeat anything off of the tv. But, you didn't talk in response to anything. You would wave your arms if you wanted to watch something else other than what was on tv.  You knew which cords to disconnect to plug in other ones, if you didn't want to watch netflix you would pull the cord and wait till someone plugged in the cords for your vcr. How you loved your video tapes. You had stopped watching dvd, it had to be video tapes only. You loved cailiou, stuart little. so many and of course, all the wiggles shows. Tomorrow will be eight months you have been gone. It doesn't seem that long. It is like yesterday when you were in my arms,warm, soft and so alive and full of angel smiles. Today keeps on becoming tomorrow and i don't have a little angel baby anymore . I can't stop the tears, i can't do anything. I love you my precious one.
February 26,2014:
  I am missing you so much, i can't stop the tears, they will never run out. My precious boy. I don't know why you aren't here; I don't understand. I can't push you in your car; I can't find you the longest hickory stick in the bag; I can't pass you a kinder egg or play twinkle twinkle little star with you. And i don't know why. I only know the breaking of my heart, the emptiness of each passing day and the forever grief that keeps me here in this nothing place. You were my light, my miracle baby, my everything, the song the birds sing, the light of the brightest star, the wonder of first light.; the joy of my soul. How can my heart keep beating when yours does not. I don't hear the sound of your heartbeat next to mine. There are no answers. I am so sorry little one. I am so sorry my precious angel baby that you are not here. The tears trail down my face, they don't know how to stop. I want to look deep into the blueness of your eyes to see the miracle of you within. But the heart of God has turned cold and the sunshine of my soul is gone forever. You are not in this world anymore to see the melting snow, the little buds on the trees, promising new growth, new life.There are no new adventures waiting for you for you with me.Death came like a thief and stole everything and left me with nothing. I love you so very much little one, I miss you more than my heart can bear.
  We went to the cemetery yesterday. I brought an easter book, the one with the five little rabbits and little circle holes on the cover. You used to put your fingers through the holes. And i  brought a little car you used to play with. I found it one morning at the end of our bed with two ritz crackers, one small round one and a half eaten bigger one. I don't know where they came from, they were just there. I try to touch the things you touched, to feel what you felt, to feel you. I look at the branch outside to try to see what you saw. I reach for you and i cry, not for me but for you, because you aren't here. I love you baby angel for eternity. For eternity my soul cries for this beautiful child of mine.

February 28,2014;
 I am here where you were, without you. I walk where you walked, I touch what you touched. I look at what you looked at. I still see but you do not. This thing we call time won't give me it's secrets.I can't change it; it keeps going. I want it to go back to when we were together, you and me, me and you because it was supposed to be forever together you and me. I hear the birds singing and you don't hear them. Why am i hearing them and you aren't? Where is the balance? There isn't any. I love you my little one. My thoughts are of you always, you are my sunshine and God took you away. I am so sorry angel baby. My existence means nothing without you. I am here and you are not. I need your smile, your laughter, your curly hair, your little hand reaching for mine. I need to hear you say "gramma." and look right at me your blue eyes twinkling. I have nothing without you. I don't know what you  are doing in spirit form. Do you understand, are you living this life that you knew over and over, doing what you did here? Do you feel my love, is it ever present with you till i can be with you in spirit form? I love you and miss you more than any words could ever tell. My beautiful angel child, child of my heart and soul.
 
March 5, 2014;
 I don't understand why the creeps of this world are allowed to live and my precious baby angel is taken. I never will. It's not fair. I can't stop crying. I love you so very much my baby angel. The sun is shinning as if nothing has changed. as if time never stopped for you and for me. I am here and i don't understand, for you aren't here.
  The other night i woke up out of a deep sleep. I heard such loud crying, it filled the very air. It sounded as if it came from far away but it was so loud. I couldn't tell if it was a  child , an adult or how many people. I got up to look and didn't find anything. Then, again, i woke up at six in the morning as the very loudness of the crying was everywhere. Again, i got up to look and nothing. It wasn't a crying i felt fearful of, it was sadness, overwhelming, heartbreaking. It was the very sadness of the universe was here. And it is, for my precious baby angel lies in his grave, alone without me. We went to the cemetery yesterday. I brought a solar rose; sara brought a flashlight with little circles at the end and a pinwheel.
  I see you here and you aren't here, my memories are so may and i am thankful for them but i want more. I reach for you and i can't touch you, feel you. There is not a second in the day or night that i do not cry for you. The tears that are silent tear me apart inside and the ones that fall will never end for you are not here. God has become silent, as silent as the stillness in my heart. I miss you so much my little angel.always my angel baby. my angel child. My life was not even worthy to be taken in your place.How gladly i would have given my life in your place. It's getting nicer outside and i can't get you ready to go and play outside in the sand. I can't watch your ride your bike or blow bubbles or swing or play on your slide. I can't see you pick up leaves and throw them in the air and laugh. I don't understand why you aren't here. How can God be so cruel. I am encompassed and completely  surrounded by darkness, grief, longing for you.I am in hell and the sun shines and mocks my soul. The clock ticks. The t4ears fall and fall. I can't have you back. The God i believe in took you from me., from this life, from my love.My arms are empty, all is empty without you my beautiful boy. I love you angel baby for all time and my soul cries .

March 8,2014:
 We went to costco today.There were so many children. I'd look at them and see you. How you never got to go to costco or anywhere. You never picked out a toy off the shelf in a store. You never reached for anything. I wondered what kind of ice cream you would have picked. No matter what i do or where i am you are always in my thoughts. This would have been your y6ear for learning and such excitement. And it was stolen away from you. I see the little boys play outside. You didn't play outside in the wintertime. You never experienced anything of this world. I hurt so much for the many things you never got to do. I held some of your hair in my hand, held it next to my face, and remembered your head next to mine, the beating of your heart. I still smell the baby smell that's in your hair. I miss you so much my little one. There are only thoughts of you., nothing else, now or ever. For you are always my all in all, my everything,my angel boy. I love you.

March 13,2014:
 Little angel baby, i am missing you so very much. You are always, forever in my thoughts, my mind, my heart. There is nothing that i do that you are not there. We went to the cemetery on tuesday. I brought a white flower for springtime. I can't bear to know your body is buried there and i can't get to you . There is snow on top of you and earth. You should be here in my arms, playing, laughing, listening to your videos and watching them. My soul cries to God and i don't hear anything, the God i believe in could raise you from the dead and i would be so happy. But nothing happens you are not here and my heart flows rivers that never end and i don't know where to turn. I love you so very much, you are my everything. I am so sorry little one.  Why God took you and not me i will never understand. I don't understand any of this. Your easter basket is in the cupboard and it is almost easter. You had kinder eggs in it last year. You loved to open your kinder eggs and put the little toys together. We would sit there, you in your blue chair and me beside you and we would take the bracelets apart and put them together, Then i would throw the wrapper made into a ball for fluffy and she would go and get it and bring it to me. I would give you drinks of milk and snacks while we played. Always together you and me, baby angel. I miss you so much. i love you baby angel.

March 19,2014:
My sweet angel. I am missing you so very much. What are you doing in heaven? Why aren't you here? I need to hold you, to pat your little hand, to feel the warmth of your body next to mine, to push you in your car, to feed you, to dress you. to see you smile. We went to the cemetery yesterday. I brought you two bunny rabbits, easter bunnies. And a kinder egg. I can't understand this. Last year you had easter baskets, kinder eggs to open , a thomas train set. Now you don't have anything. I don't have anything. This is wrong and my soul cries out to God. But He doesn't hear me. There are no answers, nothing matters without you. This time without you is like an eternity of seconds and minutes that go nowhere. I just want to see your beautiful face and to look into the innocence of your eyes, your smile reaching my heart. But, i am here and i have to wait. I think of you constantly. There is never a thought that isn't about you. For there is only you. I love you so much my little angel baby. I will never forget anything, never forget you, for you are my everything and this hurts beyond measure, beyond understanding. I am so sorry puss. I will be with you some day. I love you baby.

March 24,2014:
It's been nine months since you have been gone. Each day has been so long, absolute hell without you. I don't understand why you aren't here. It doesn't make sense. We did everything the same the night before, then you woke up screaming and you were gone. How, why? There are no answers. I miss my little , perfect angel so much. there are no words to describe. There is no little sweet angel boy running around, playing, only pictures to look at and to touch. I love you so very much little one. 4 and a half years wasn't long enough. Why do others get a lifetime and you didn't even have a childhood? I remember everything, your precious tinkling giggle, your "gramma", your little baby body snuggled next to mine, your heart beating together with mine. Now there is no little boy, no heartbeat. There is nothing that is worse then being separated from you, yo wake up every morning and there is no angel next to me, nothing but the endless days, endless time, nothing at all but emptiness that fills every nook and corner of this existence. My cries don't reach to God for if they did He never would have taken you , my precious boy. We, you and me, prayed each morning, i would hold your little hand in mine and ask God for faith, faith so He would hear our prayer and answer it, to keep you safe, healthy, to help you to eat and grow. All things are possible with God, yet, He choose not to keep you safe.. He took you, my angel boy, my heart. The sun shines and the birds continue to sing. The tears of my heart and soul  will never stop for God took my sunshine and now there is nothing but endless darkness. I love you baby angel. And i cry for you.

March 29,2014:
 I came into the house with bags of groceries. You weren't here to look into the bags for your toys and kinder eggs. You would squat down and look to see what there was for you. You weren't in your mother's arms reaching for me. I didn't put a bottle on as i came in the door. For, i would always see to you first. You were always first in everything. Your mother wasn't here to put the groceries away. Where am i? This can't be real. This isn't right, it's not balanced. I am here, but i am not living, is it possibly a dream? There is no life without you, my precious angel boy. I don't know why the pain within, the screaming  in my soul does not end the beating of my heart. My heart has no business to keep going when yours does not. I miss you so very much. I  want to touch your little hsnd, pat it, feel life flowing within you, to feel the beating of your heart, like the flutter of wings, to see your smile. I love you so much. There is nothing but you, nothing in my life but the sweet memories of my baby angel. You should be opening your kinder eggs now, laughing, giggling, watching videos, playing with your ipod, it should be in your hand, you should be clapping, singing, having special treats just for you, reaching for the sun and stars. I reach for you and you aren't here and the tears come and come and have no place left to fall. For i am drowning.
  We went to the cemetery on wed. I brought a springtime book and put a picture of you in the corner and sealed it well. Now , i have to wait till next sat. as sylena isn't off of work this coming week. She drives us to the cemetery every week to see your spot, where you lay under the snow and earth and i can't get to you. Where are you my precious little angel? Are you playing in heaven? Can a spirit play? Do you understand that I didn't go away? That i would give my life and soul to hold you in my arms again. I am so sorry little one. My love for you knows no bounds. I love you so much baby angel, child of my heart.

April 7, 2014. My precious baby angel, where are you? I miss you so. My thoughts know nothing but you. We went to the cemetery on sat.. I brought a kinder bunny.It was blue and so soft. You would have loved  to touch it./ but your blue chair sits empty the droplets of milk scattered all over it. A blue blanket sits in it alone. I can't understand, comprehend any of this, why you, why your precious beautiful life.? It's getting warmer out and the snow is melting but you aren't here to ride your bikes or to play or run or laugh. There is nothing but silence and emptiness. There is no angel song. There is nothing. I love you my beautiful, precious little one.

April 11,2014:
This is my ist easter without you,your ist easter without me, no chocolate bunnies, or kinder eggs. or thomas trains , bubble wands, or chalk. And sand running through your little fingers while you play in the sandbox, nothing. The tears will never stop, they don't end,i can't catch them anymore, there's no place to put them. I am in endless agony, for you were my life and i grieve for you my precious little angel baby.
 I'm going to get some balloons to bring to the cemetery tomorrow.And then let them go. You loved your balloons, the ones that played music when you tapped them. You would pull on the strings. Your last dora balloon you threw down the stairs, you didn't want fluffy to play with the string. It's still down there somewhere. Your basket from last year is downstairs too with your chocolate coins and kinder egg toys. I touch them sometimes remembering you touching them. I remember your opening your kinder eggs each day. You would have one whenever you wanted, you would go to the window inbetwen the kitchen and sunroom and point and then you would wait. You loved those eggs and orayons. This doesn't seem real bvut i know it is for the pain inside of me gets worse and worse each day as i miss my angel boy. I love you little one so much.

April 15,2014:
 I miss you so much my little pusskin. Every day is filled only with thoughts of you. I was sleeping this morning and i woke up to a sound. I heard you make a hiccup. I heard the sound of your voice, just one hiccup and i reached for you. I knew you weren't there but i reached for you anyway. I know what i heard. I truly believe that God can b ring you back or turn back the time if He wanted to. Sometimes i feel like i am just waiting. I know i am waiting to be with you, there is no doubt about that. I love you so much my baby angel. How big would you be now? I see children outside and i think of you. There is nothing else. This is so wrong. I want you to be playing, laughing, singing, running doing all the may things little boys do. My wants don't seem to matter to God for He remains silent. There is silence all around me. No little boy doing any little boy things. I want only for you my sweetheart, only for you, not for me, for God could have taken me in a heartbeat if only He would have spared you and given you a longer childhood. Anything but not my precious boy. I love you so much.

April 17,2014;
 Today is child tax day. Sara would have been getting all your stuff, your milk, pullups, food, crackers, kinder eggs and crayons, and of course your easter basket, with chalk, crayons, thomas trains, bubble wands, bubbles, kinder eggs, lots of them. You had your easter basket on Good Friday last year. Tomorrow we are going to the cemetery and will bring your easter basket there. There will be no chocolate ever again in your basket; it will sit on your spot, where you are buried in the ground.  I know that your beautiful baby spirit now lives with God but your precious little boy body that i held in my arms rests in the earth and it is almost inconceiveable to me that this is so. There is no little boy to smile such a beautiful smile when he would open his eggs, his surprises and laugh. Is there any kind of celebration for the children in heaven? I know easter is about Jesus. But i wonder just the same. Oh my precious little angel, i miss you so and love you more than any of these words could ever express for you are my everything always  and forevermore. I love you my angel boy.

April 19,2014:
 Precious angel, i am missing you so much. I look for you, search for you, i pray. Tomorrow is easter and you are not here. I am so broken inside, each breathe i take brings a tear. Rivers and lakes surround me but there is no angel boy. I am so sorry my little one. There are no eggs or toys or bunnies anywhere, only heartbreak and never ending seconds and minutes that seem to go on forever. I love you so very much. How you loved to clap your hands. I remember everything. Super simple songs, the clapping song, open, shut them. You would open and close your little hands to the song. You had so little time here and i am still here. I love you baby angel.And i weep for you.

April 21,2014:
 Easter was yesterday, it came and is gone. Everyone was here, we were all together but you were not here and my thoughts are always with you, on you and even though i was making food and was with everyone the very air held sadness and despair. I took pictures, and had sara hold a picture of you, a picture of my precious boy, where you would have been in the picture, your beautiful smile and laughter bringing springtime and angel song in my life.  Everything i did , i did for you my sweet angel, and i am so sorry it wasn't enough.I miss you so much. How can time be so cruel as to continue on without you and why do i have to be part of nothing time? Where is the God that took my angel child? You are my very soul, my heart. Why does my heart keep beating when it should not. Your heart should be strong and i should be able to feel the flutter of wings on my hand when i hold you. Now, there are only memories of the special boy who is not here, who did not get easter surprises, or easter cuddles but who is gone. I wait for God to bring you back to me or to let me go to you. or to allow someplace, anyplace for us to be together. Do i wait in vain? I treasure each second we had together and cry out for more but my cries are not answered, for i am in a hell that knows no end. I love you my sweet angel boy till our souls meet again and become as one.

April 23,2014:
We went to the cemetery today. Sylena brought some thomas baskets, i brought some of the crayons, a toy, some chalk pieces you had touched, wrapped in cling wrap.Your things were placed in the baskets. The sun was shinning and i wanted to touch you. I touched the soil. I just don't understand any of this. I want you to be here, to see what i see, to play , to laugh that beautiful little boy laugh. You're last laugh was a tinkling sound, so sweet. I miss you so very much. MY beautiful angel child. I would give anything to have you back , do anything, to turn back time. I am so sorry little pusskin. God knows i would have gladly given my life instantly for yours. I don't understand. I can't stop the tears., I want my baby angel. I love you so much little one.

April 25, 2014:
 I miss you so much my angel baby. You should be here with me, with us. I can't stop the tears. They won't bring you back. I don't understand any of this, why did this terrible thing happen? Why do I have to see and hear other peoples kids playing outside and you are silent? This is a hell that is worse than anything else to be away  from my angel boy. I remember everything, every second, minute of our time together. You would be riding your bikes now, playing in the sandbox between the houses, in the back yard, on the glider, your swings, running through the yard with the sound of birds in the air, the trees gently blowing in the wind creating the perfect place for you. I tried so hard and i miss you so little one. MY heart and soul scream to God at the injustice of this all, not for me, never for me but for you. I love you angel boy.

April 30,2014:
 My precious little angel baby: We went to the cemetery today, sylena, sara and i. Sara had picked up a lego,  thomas train. How you loved your trains. I put some of your crayons in it and a kinder toy, a panda bear, you found it in a kinder egg. It is yours. This was placed in your thomas basket. My heart cried knowing you are in the ground and i can't take you out. You belong in my arms, close to my heart. I think of you all the time, little one, there is nothing else. How i cry for you. The trampoline was taken today; the backyard is bare. Your outdoor things are gone. You loved bouncing on the trampoline, you were the little popcorn. Sara would run circles around you and i would clap and sing" pop goes the popcorn" You would sit there and bounce and laugh your precious little laugh. Like the dry leaves on the ground that crumble, my soul is broken, my heart is broken for my sweet little baby angel isn't here and i am. I love you so much my beautiful child.

May 6,2014:
 My precious boy: Sylena and i went to the cemetery today; Brought a smurf play book with a playmat and 12 smurf figures. How you would have loved it and loved lining up the smurfs in a row. I am so sorry my angel. Not one second goes by, no matter where i am, that my thoughts aren't centered on you. My beautiful boy with smilies that filled the darkness; laughter that filled my heart. My perfect angel. I have asked God to bring you back, i believed He could .I have tried to make deals with God, to reason. But why would He do anything for me when He took you, and separated us. I remember everything but it isn't enough. I miss my perfect angel more than words have the ability to express. My heart beats but is dead. Each second without you is an eternity of nothing.I need you to hold out your hand so i can pat it. Your last night here you sat in your blue chair and opened your left hand and just waited for me to pat it. And i did. You knew and i didn't. In bed you put your right hand on your side and waited and i patted your hand.You loved that. It made you happy and you would clap.Now, my heart and soul are broken and no one hears my cries. For you are not here. I love you so much my little angel.

May 11,2014:
My precious little pusskin. My angel boy: Today was mother's day. It should have been a day with all of our family present.But you weren't here. Your mother wasn't here either. The rest of us were together. I miss you so much. Your spot was empty. My heart is empty. It is a wasteland of nothing. I wonder is there someone mothering you in heaven, someone special just for you? I miss you so much. I am reaching for you and i can't stop crying. I love you little one.

May 16,2014:
 My precious angel, how i miss you.Sylena and i went to the cemetery on wednesday. I brought your little wind up lamb that was a kinder toy and put a kinder toy in the little cup. I wanted to reach into the earth and take you out. Not a second, not a minute passes when you are not in my thoughts. You are so special my angel. I need to see your smiles, to hear your laughter, to feel the warmth of your body being held in mine, to hear you say "gramma". But there is only the sound of silence, Darkness fills the very air for the time has lost all meaning, the ticking of the clock drones on endlessly leading to nothing. You are a part of me and you are missing, you aren't here and this is all so wrong. I love you my perfect little angel baby, my baby bear, my pusskin.

May 24,2014:
 It's been eleven months today with no precious angel boy to hold in my arms. I imagine what you would look like, i imagine you coming home from school and i would have your supper waiting with your favourite show playing and a surprise for you. Then, we would all go play outside and i would hear your laughter, watch you playing in your sand, the swings, see you running and having oh so much fun. I loved to watch you play, to be with you, to pat a cake with you. You loved your pat a cakes, you would hold your little hands up to me and wait, and i would pat them. My precious little one my heart is empty, the tears never stop. I love you so much and you aren't here. There is emptiness everywhere without you for you were my life.
 Sylena and i went to the cemetery today. Sylena brought a colour changing daisy flower. How you would have loved it. You loved picking daisies. You picked daisies and dandelions for me.  How beautiful the flowers were for you picked them for me. for your great gramma. I brought one of your little cars. YOu had played with it, It was in our room. I tried to touch it to feel what you felt when you touched it, to touch where you touched. I miss you so much and i hurt for you. I love you my precious angel boy.

May 28, 2014:
 My precious boy; It has been so very long without you. I miss you and love you so much angel. Sylena and i went to the cemetery today. We brought a white rose solar light and a small bear from your room. Your  stuffies still sit on the white cabinet in your room I pulled up the grass around your resting place. It is so wrong that you are there , i just can't understand any of this. You are supposed to be here with me doing all the child things you will never get to do. Nobody understands or knows how much i miss you., There is nothing but you. The sun shines, the birds sing but you  aren't here and you were meant to be here. To play, to grow up to have a childhood, to be in my arms, to be here for me to love. My heart cries and cries and God does not answer. I love you my precious  little one.

June 2,2014:
MY precious angel.Last year at this time you were here with us. WE did all the things we do each day not knowing we only had a bit of time left together. How precious was my time with you. Now there  nothing. The rivers within me keep flowing. There is emptiness everywhere. No matter what i do inside, outside i am thinking of you. No matter where i go I see children playing and am reminded that you will never play again, my beautiful boy, your life was stolen from you and everyone deserves a childhood. You were so beautiful. your smiles were my everything, you are my everything. Oh precious boy know how much i miss you, how much i love you and that i do nothing but grieve for my angel child. I love you pusskin.

June 4, 2014: Time is going by, going going, gone and no baby angel. My precious boy i long to hold you in my arms and to hear your sweet laughter. Yesterday sylena and i went to the cemetery, we brought you a solar daisy, you loved daisys. And  four colour change lights, You would have loved to watch them. I loved to watch you . I could never get enough of you. I am so very sorry pusskin. You are forever in my thoughts. Your joy waas my joy, your laughter mine, your tears mine. I lived only for you. to make you happy, to watch you grow. This time now is a forever hell without you. I would give anything to have my beautiful boy here  with me. I believed God would bring you back, turn back time that this was a horrible nightmare but i'm not waking up. Each day you aren't here, this is real and i can't get away. I miss you so much. I see you everywhere in my memories. My beautiful child riding his bike, playing in the sand, holding his ipod, watching his videos, being pushed in his car, drinking his  bottle,coloring, doing so much. Oh precious boy, know how much your gramma grieves for you and hates this life for my angel is not here. I love you baby always and forever in whatever place we may be as long as we can be together again.

June 9, 2014:
  My  precious angel. It's been nearly a year that you have been gone and it feels like yesterday and forever all at the same time. I miss you so much. I see you in every little boy, i wonder what you would look like now. I am so sorry little one. I don't understand how this happened, what happened, what God allowed this. There are so many things you should be doing now. This would have been your year for learning, for exploring and just being a boy. I see you counting your ten little apples outside beside me,gathering rocks, riding your bike while i blew bubbles towards you. And i can't stop the tears. I love you so.

June 11.2014:
 Baby angel boy: Sylena and i went to the cemetery today. We brought a little car and some kinder toys inside of a yellow ball type thing. We pulled up the grass and i talked to you for a few minutes. I cannot grasp in reality that your body lies there and i can't get to you. I know your spirit is in heaven but i don't understand why. I never will.We went to the cemetery in nairn to see your little cousin. Are you playing with him, holding his hand? What are you doing in heaven, do you know how very precious you will always be to me? There is nothing with out you. It has been almost a year and tears and more tears and nothing time surrounds me. I love you baby puss and miss you so much.

June 19,2014:
 My precious boy. Sylena and i went to your resting place at the cemetery. We cleaned it up and brought more white solar flowers for u. It has been almost a year now, each day i cry inside, the tears will never stop because my angel isn't here and i can't bear this but i have no choice. I cry to God daily for my precious boy. You would have been five and a half and running all over the place. I think of you constantly. That will never change for it gets harder and harder, to walk where you walked, touch what you touched..I see my angel everywhere in the memories of my heart. When the birds sing i think my angel doesn't hear them, when i see children, i think my angel isn't playi8ng..nothing in the day is anything but my precious boy. How i miss you and cry for you, but God does not give an answer. There is nothing but empty spaces, empty time , nothing at all without you. I love you so little pusskin.

June 21. 2014:

My angel boy: Last year at this time you only had a few days left to live. I didn't know. This is so wrong. I am so sorry my angel baby. I want to hold you in my arms, to smell your baby smell, to touch your beautiful face and see you smile. The touch of your hand in mine, your precious giggle. Oh sweet puss my heart grieves for you and my soul cries out to God. I love u Baby Boy.

June 24, 2014.
MY precious baby angel. Today was your memorial service at your resting place. We were all there. How can it be a year since you were in my arms? I don't understand any of this. Pastor Jack did the service. Jody played your favourite songs, " twinkle star, open shut them, jingle bells, away in a manger, Sara, jody and i said a few words.  Sara brought your favourite  book" one fish, two fish. You loved that book. You ate the first book of one fish. Then, we bought more and you would watch it on you tube > You would have the book in bed and you would turn the pages of the book while it was being red on you tube. I remember everything sweetheart. You are so special to my heart. My heart doesn't stop crying, i have no place to hole the tears. I love you baby bear and miss you so much. There is nothing in this world for me but you and now you are gone . I love you little pusskin.

 June 26, 2014

 My precious angel. I cried all day yesterday, i will forever cry. WE received the coronors report. It was the most terrible thing i have ever read. It was detailed. I know that there were little bits of you cut out so they could examine them but reading about it was horrifying. I tried so hard, i never left you day or night, You slept beside me, i got up ev ery hour and a half two hours to get you a fresh bottle of warm milk. I would bundle up all the blankets and pillows so you would be tucked in securely while i warmed your bottle. I would peek at you while it was warming up for you. There was never a time when you weren't in my sight. We played your videos every waking minute, you watched your ipod, you had a tv in your room, you never slept in your room. i kept you close to me. I would touch your beautiful face when you fell asleep and you would smile when you felt my touch. I would always have my hand in yours or on you so i could feel you breathing. You know my v oice, i called you angel. For you were the most precious, perfect little one. The report says you had severe autism, you didn't like water, you stopped going in your room when your vcr broke, you didn't like to go in a car, you didn't like the smell of food, you didn't like food, you liked paper. I never knew pica was a sign of iron deficiency. I assume you had pica , you liked to eat crayon paper, you loved to draw. You were so smart. You would draw the lined into a hand picture. You would look at your hand and draw the lines and fingernails on. You knew how to use an ipod, to put abcs in the right place on a dora game, you knew what games you wanted to play , you knew what you tube videos and you knew how to watch netflix. You could c ount ten apples outside and put them in a row, I am so sorry little puss, my life your yours in a heartbeat. All year i have begged God to bring you bac k, believing that He just might hear my anguish. But my Pastor assures me that is not going to happen. God doesn't work like that. Pastor Jack is a very kind, straight forward man. He tells the truth even though i sometimes don't want to hear it.  MJy angel is in heaven  but i want him with me, How can heaven be a better place when the better place was in my arms his heart beating on mine. When i would lift you off the bed in the mornings little sweetheart, your heart would join mine and i would whisper your heart on mine little angel. How i treasured each moment with you. I loved only to care for you and i failed and i am so sorry.  you were seen by the dr. the specialist was aware of your conditions.  I hold your blankets in my arms and i can smell your baby smell. I touch your pictures, my walls have pictures of you everywhere. Your crayon writings, pictures are everywhere where you drew. Your beautiful art. Your happy fac e photos. Oh my sweet baby, What i would give to be together with you now, always. I know that day will come but for now i cry and cry and cry and i can't stop. I love you my precious, beautiful boy, and i miss you, you were my world and always will be.

June 27,2014:
 Sylena and i went to the cemetery today. We brought a pot of daisies and cur flowers from your yard.You loved to pull the petals off and to squish them in your fingers. U are so special my angel boy. You picked daisies and dandelions for me. I remember everything. Every little thing you did, every smile, every laugh is engraved on my heart and soul. I am so sorry. I don't understand any of this., even with the coronors report, how could there be so many things inside of you that were wrong and yet you always had a smiley face and you were so beautiful. You were the centre of my world, you were my world. I was so careful with you. You were never out of my sight. You never went outside without a hat,sweater, coat. I never left your side. I am so broken inside, my cries go unheard, my heart beats but i am not alive. I hild your bear in the palm of my hand and hear and feel your heartbeat. And i cry. The tears will never stop for you aren't here in my arms and the pieces of my heart keep breaking and i have no place to put them, And God is silent. I love you so much baby pusskin. Always and forever my angel boy.

June 29.2014:
 My precious boy. You noticed the fireworks for the first time and you loved them. Now i dread hearing them you aren't here to see them. My heart will never stop falling to pieces till i am with you again. I am so sorry i would give anything. Oh my sweet angel nobody knows my pain.I am in hell. I don't want to be here but i am . there is only you in my heart, i reach for you and reach for you and there is only emptiness.

July 2.2014:
  Precious baby angel. Sylena and i went to the cemetery today. We brought flowers and took out the old ones. I grabbed some daisies. You loved daisies. I would like to just stay there with you. I know you are with God now, but you should be her with me and you are not here. It's just me where we were and its so wrong. I have carried your crayons in my pocket since you passed away. crayons with little teeth marks in them , your baby teeth marks that you made; I like to reach in my pocket and touch them, to feel them when i walk and walk in here. I miss you so very much. Nobody could ever comprehend the love your great gramma has for you. Only you my sweet puss and God took you away and there is no one here in your space, your home but me. without you. I love you my sweet little angel boy, always, forever, eternity.
July 7/2014:
    My precious little angel boy: Gramma misses you so very much. There are no words that could ever describe the length and depth of my love and my pain.I am so sorry pusskin. This is so wrong. I don't understand any of this. You should be here now with me. You should be doing things with me, you should be in my arms, bouncing on my lap, laughing, giggling, playing, being a boy, being loved, happy, carefree.How i long for your beautiful smile, the touch of your little hand in mine, to see your blue eyes looking at me, Oh baby boy how big you would be now. You are so special to me always forever without end there is only you. I live in a flooded place, an empty place, with nothing and more nothing . Because you my precious little angel are not here where you are supposed to be. I love you baby always.

July 8.2014:
 My precious little angel boy: Sylena and i went to the cemetery today. We brought a yellow solar daisy. I bought some  more at walmart to bring next time. I miss you so much baby boy. There are never any thoughts within me at any time that are not about you, Those  most precious memories play constantly in my head. There is only always you. My heart continues to beat but there is nothing inside but broken pieces that make no sense. I want my beautiful angel. How i long for your smiles, your little sweet giggles . I reach for your pictures, for your hand but nothing reaches back. You aren't here any more and the empty spaces are everywhere flooded with memories and then there aren't any more. I would give anything to hold my little sweet angel in my arms again, and to tell you how very special you are to me. But God remains silent. I am so sorry angel. And you are gramma's angel always forever, i love my sweet boy. I love you angel.

July 12.2014:
 My precious angel baby: I imagine you riding your tiger bike outside, hearing the sound of your sweet giggles and laughter and your ":gramma". I see you when i close my eyes; i see you when my eyes are open. Ther eis only and always you;nothing but you. I reach for the smile in your pictures but you don't reach back. I smile at the memories, those beautiful, wonderful memories of you. But my arms are empty, you aren't sitting on my lap or sleeping beside me. I reach out and touch an empty space. More and more nothing each day. My heart and soul cry out to a silent God. I don't understand. watched  you every second day and night. I never left your side. I love you so much my angel boy.I miss you. My beautiful child.
July 14,2014:
  My beautiful angel boy: Sylena and i went to the cemetery today. We brought more solar daisies; and your care bears and books. I remember how you held the care bears so close to you and hugged them. U liked them. You liked almost everything. You loved your thomas trains. I tried so hard to ensure you  w ere happy all the time and nothing ever upset you. You are so special, so good, the light of my heart. Now my heart is in darkness and there  will never again be any light for my precious little boy isn't here. I can hear the birds singing, talking, but i can't hear you my angel. How can everything keep going as if nothing when you aren't here and you are supposed to be here. I am so sorry little puss..my life for yours in a heartbeat. I want your heart to beat, not mine. I want you angel. I love you so much. I miss you baby boy,forever and always my angel you are.

July 17,2014:

 Little angel baby: Today and yesterday, sylena and josh came to box your toys that have been sitting downstairs for over a year. I thought God would bring you back, i thought the love i have for you could somehow overcome death and i would see you here again. But you aren't here and i won't see you in this life again. I wouldn't get to hold my baby ever again or to see your smile, your hand in mine, reaching for me. The boxes were put in the storage room, the big toys, your police car how you lov ed that car, your horses,houses everything your trains..your record player..so many things we tried to have everything for you.Gramma tried so hard, my angel there is nothing but you, everything was for you. Everything has a memory. I try to touch what you touched, i see the milk drips from your bottles and you aren't here to eat or drink now, And i cry and cry i don't understand..how can this be.. pieces keep breaking inside of me and tears are everywhere but the little angel boy who is my everything , my whole world isn't here and i am lost. I am so sorry pusskin, my life for yours in a heartbeat, God can do all things but He did not keep my angel safe.He could bring you bac k now and take me. I love you so much sweetheart, and miss you so. My precious angel boy for all time.

July 22,2014:
 My precious boy: My heart will never stop breaking, my tears will never stop falling, for my little baby angel, my sweet precious boy is not here. Sylena and i went to the cemetery today. I know that you are in heaven with God and that you can run fast and play and laugh. But the little body i held in my arms,the heart i felt beating against mine, the little fingers, toes,curls, and smilies are in the ground. And i don't understand any of this. I am so sorry baby boy. We brought some daisies,a blue bird wind chime and care bears.And a small iglee pickle. You loved your care bears and iggle pickle. U had an iglle pickle that sang a song. You would hold it in your hands when i pushed you in your car. U had everything we could provide and endless love. I picked your clothes out so carefully, no zippers , nothing tight on your tummy. So much clothes. Always you baby boy, .My love for you knows no bounds. There is only always you w, my little angel boy.I love you always and forever, yesterday, today, tomorrow for eternity you are my angel child.
 July 26,2014;
   My beautiful boy my heart is crying for you and God doesn't hear me. There is nothing for me but you and you aren't here. How can this be? i tried so hard, everything but i failed you for you are not herein my arms anymore and how i long for your baby smell, your smiles and laughter that filled my soul. To be with you was my greatest joy, now there is no joy and never will be again for my precious angel baby is gone and i am here seperated  from you. My heart breaks over and over. Angel you are my life and now that life is gone and this is too much. I see your beautiful drawings on the walls, what were you thinking when you made them? I see you everywhere and i am so thankful for the time we were given. I am so sorry little one..Ange. angel your great gramma loves you so. I miss you baby boy.

July 29,2014:
 My precious boy: Sylena and  I went to your resting spot today. We brought another one of your care bears and a blue tulip solar light. I picked daisies and yellow lilies and white cluster flowers from the yard. We put them in a vase by your stone. The wrongness of this overwhelms me. The injustice of your death. My beautiful boy should be discovering the wonders of this world. Tasting new foods, playing thomas trains,laughing, growing, adventuring.Instead your precious angel body lies in the ground and my heart never stoops crying. My soul screams to God, to a silent God who allowed my joy to be turned to darkness. My beautiful sunshine , i miss you so and reach for you. I am so sorry that i didn't know so many things, i am so sorry for everything. I tried so hard and it wasn't enough for my angel baby is gone. I watch the memories over and over, i remember everything..and i hold tight to those wonderful days. THen there is no more.There is nothing.I love you so much sweet little baby always and forever my precious angel boy.

Aug.2.2014:

Precious Angel baby. I am missing you so much. You were, are my life, there is nothing else. The memories flood through me and i can't find you. I am so sorry. I am here and you are not. There is no inbetwen. Nothing makes sense. I want your laughter and your smiles. I want you. You would lift up your hands and wait for me to patacake inbetwen them. Then you would give me your beautiful smile. The bubble wands were on sale at wamart. You loved bubbles. I would blow so may bubbles for you and you would drive your bike through them. I tried so hard sweetheart, but it wasn't enough and i can't come to terms with any of this. It makes no sense. My love you knows no boundaries, it just is. This doesn't seem real, it seems like a bad dream,a nightmare i can't wake up from. I love you baby boy , my angel and this is nothing else. My soul cries, screams to God..bring my baby back or take me. I love you sweet pusskin, my baby bear.

Aug.6.2014:
  My precious angel . I miss you so. I don 't understand why you aren't here. Why there is no little boy laughing, playing, running saying "gramma". I am so sorry  little angel i tried and tried but it wasn't enough. How you loved your videos even as a small baby. Bonnie bear,tellatubbies,roary the racing car,flower tots, the upside down show,four square,viewmaster teach the world to sing,mr.magoo's christmas, c hipmunks, olive the other reindeer, annabelle, cailiou, smurfs christmas,barney shows,thomas the train, wiggles,stewart little,elmo's cookbook, elmo in grouchland,cartoontown, santa claus, my little pony care bears so many videos. At first you liked to watch dvds, you would pull the cords behind the tv when you wanted to watch netflix or a video. You were so smart. You would pick out your shows you know what they were just from looking at them almost as if you could read. You would always laugh in the same place. It was always funny. You would repeat the songs and you were able to say the lines from cailiou in the same tone of voice. Your favourite song for a long time was the wiggles song" rock aby your bear" you would do the actions and sing it. You didn't talk or respond when we talked but you were able to do all this. I would push you for hours in front of the tv while you watched these shows and give you drinks and snacks. This was all real and i can't find you now. Nobody knows how much i miss you and long for my beautiful boy. Never was there one with such sweetness and innocence. Why did God allow this. I know nothing can happen in this world without God's consent. Yet, the God i always worshiped allowed this terrible thing..my life for angels any day or night..dear Lord bring my baby back and take me...please Lord..i love my angel beyond everything..precious little one come to me....

Aug.7.2014:

 Precious angel boy: Sylena and i went to the cemetery, to your resting place. WE brought your pink care bear. I didn't even know it talked when you press the belly. You loved all  of your care bears. You liked to put your arms around them and hold them on your lap on the big rocking chair. I never sit in the rocking chair anymore, there is no point.  You loved the care bear movies, especially joke a lot. You would laugh. I miss you so much more and more each day, it will never stop for you aren't here and there is nothing without my sweet boy. There is no justice in this place. I know you are in heaven and there is no pain only happiness. But you were happy here, you were always happy, you had no reason to be sad. Everything was for you, about you, only you and yet we lost you anyway and i don't understand. I am so sorry pusskin, gramma's little angel baby always and forever. i love you. Please God bring my angel back. Have mercy. But God remains silent and i remain in forever pieces that will never stop breaking for my precious little baby is not here. I love you my sweet angel always, forever.

Aug.11.2014:
My precious angel baby: The memories are everywhere, so wonderful and warm, i see my baby boy everywhere, i get up in the morning i see you sitting on the bed waiting for me to bring your treasures to the living room, to wait for you to put your soothers into your treasure box. Everything had a routine and it just was, it was you. I have asked, begged God to bring you back. I am so sorry puss. I reach for your smiles in your pictures and you can't reach back. I touch where you touched and try to feel what you felt. You looked at me as if i could read your mind, your thoughts and you really thought i could. You didn't know you were supposed to tell me. You didn't know you were braydon, caleb, jussi, heath (piispanen). You were my angel baby, my baby bear, my little pusskin, my little lovekin, my angel. Always my angel. But all the love i had for you didn't keep you here. I miss you so very much Please God give angel kinder eggs, thomas trains, crayons, a bottle..let his memories sustain him, let him see me..i know he will see God but i need to believe all is ok, it's not but i don't have a choice, my angel boy is not here and i am in an everlasting hell. I love y9ou little angel, always and forever you are in my heart.

Aug.13,2014:
Precious angel. Sylena and i went to your resting place yesterday. We brought flowers, the yellow lilies and purple flowers from the garden in the front and daisies too and i put them in your vase. And a solar light and a care bear. I think all your care bears are there now. You loved those bears. You loved everything but your favourites were crayons, kinder eggs and thomas trains. And your ipod, videos, dvds..so much. My angel child i love you so much. There isn't a second that goes by day or not when i am not thinking about you. I love you baby boy with a love that surpasses all things. I am so sorry, this is so wrong, you should be in my arms sweetheart,  miss you always. You are a part of me and there is nothing without you.Oh precious boy. I love you.

August 19.2014:

 My precious little baby angel:
 Where are you. my heart cries/screams in agony for my baby angel. I am so sorry, I can't turn back time, God hasn't brought you back. I am in hell. Separation from my baby boy. I miss you so much, there isn't any time when i don't miss you. see you in my memories. Wher eis your laughter, your sparkles in your eyes, the clap of your hands, your love. There is nothing but empty time. Nothing without you.oh sweet boy how i miss you. How much more Lord? Bring my baby back or release me. Please have mercy. I love you angel baby. Today is bad. Feel my love in heaven know your great gramma saw nothing but you, lived each day for you. I am sorry i tried so hard but you aren't here and i can't stop the tears and God doesn't care. I lov e you my sweet angel always, forever till we are together again.
August 20,2014:
  My precious angel; Sylena and i went to the cemetery this morning. I hung your little teletubie on your light post the purple one you loved to hold. And i put fresh flowers in your vase. We go there for a few minutes and i talk to you, i would like to stay there with you, i shouldn't be here without you. I just can't find any reality in this, yet i know in my head this is real but my heart refuses to believe it, though you are not here and my soul screams. How can this be? How can my sweet angel baby be in the ground when he should be here? The beautiful baby boy i held in my arms since birth isn't alive any more, no laughter, tears, playing, . There was so much joy and trust, love, innocence in my angel child..and something happened, i don't understand any of this when i tried so hard but it wasn't enough. Why can't God switch places with angel and me. Bring angel back and take me. Even if i could not be here with angel i would be so happy just to have him live. I look for you everywhere my angel boy. I see you in every child, the child you could have been, the things you could have done.But nothing is real anymore, nothing matters or makes any difference to me now. I love you so much my angel boy, you are the love of my life, my heart, my soul, my everything. I love you little pusskin.

August 24,2014:

Precious Angel boy: I miss you so much. I bought crayons to bring to your resting place, what a stupid thing to call this place where you are buried in the ground, and i can't get you out of there. How i wanted to pull the earth up and hold you. I know it is just your body and that your baby spirit is now with God, but this same God let you die and took my precious baby away from me. You were so spec ial , i know i was not good enough or worthy to care for such a beautiful boy and i am so sorry, so sorry. I tried baby boy, you know i did . But it wasn't enough. I imagine you opening the crayon boxes and dumping them all over the floor then i would pick them up  and we would do it over and over again. You would squat down and look through the grocery bags for your treasures, kinder eggs, thomas trains, play dough. Everything was for you. Everytime someone came in with groceries or anything there would be something for you. Everything was for my beautiful little boy.Now, there is nothing, empty spaces, time that goes on but has nothing in it. I miss you so much little one. Nobody knows how much, how my heart and soul cry to God. Giv e my child back, the love i have was not enough and even though God promises not to make things harder than we can bear i am in hell, separation from my angel baby is hell. Someday we will be together and that is my only hope. You are my precious angel boy, my baby bear, my pusskin and i love you sweetheart more than words can tell for it is the speech of my soul. I love you puss.

August.26,2014:
  Angel, my heart is crying for you, my special baby bear, you are  supposed to be here with me in my arms, I hate this life, this world. I want you pusskin, i want my baby back, this is wrong, I see kids in the stores and it should be you in the stores, shopping for school supplies, new shoes, clothes toys, kinder eggs and of  course, your favourite, crayons. You should be running in the store picking out your things, anything you want, laughter should be heard but there nothing but this unbearable silence and memories, and then no more memories.There is only emptiness everywhere. I touch your beautiful smiles in your pictures and reach for you, but you can't reach back. I don't feel my precious baby in my arms.There is nothing but darkness for you are not here where you belong with me, your great grandmother.I love you baby angel boy, so much, there no beginning nor end. I miss you angel.

August 28.2014:

My precious angel boy: Sylena and i went to your resting place. WE brought a lily that was just opening up, purple flowers and crayons. I wrote your name on the box and wrote i love you inside the flap. How you loved crayons. They were your very favourite. You would eat the crayon paper, for some reason you liked browns.I miss you baby, my arms are empty, the spot on our bed has no little boy, your treasure box and blankets have no one. I have no one. God have a special someone for my baby angel in heaven. Take care of him and let him know my endless love. I love you so much sweet puss, without you there only darkness, a nothing on top of nothing each day and night. A silent God does not hear the prayer of my soul He took you away from so much love. There was only you and always will be only you till i get to be with you in heaven and to behold your smiling face and your beautiful eyes. You should be getting ready for school. I hate seeing kids, why do they get to live and be happy and play when you aren't here. I love you my beautiful, gentle, child. I miss you more than i can say. You are my life and now i live but i am dead inside for there is nothing in my soul without my beautiful, precious little boy. Be happy in heaven sweetheart and know i am so sorry. My life for yours in a heartbeat. I love you my precious angel child.

Sept.2,2014:
My little angel baby; School is starting aqnd you didn't get anything, no new clothes. or special shoes that glow or light up, no crayons, nothing. Soi many children everywhere and GOd took my precious boy. I don't understand any of this. This is so wrong. My soul screams to a silent God who does not care anymore for i am in a forever hell. You brought so uch sunshine and joy, you were pure, innocent, so very special.Now, there is nothing, darkness, emptiness, spaces of time that just are, no meaning. I can't stop crying, my heart keeps c rumbling into little peices and there are piles and piles and never ending tears and nothing. The birds sing outside, i hear crickets, but not the beat of my angel's heart. I love y6ou little one. My thoughts are only about you all the time, i see nothing but you.I am so sorry puss. I love  you baby boy and i miss you so.

Sept.3, 2014:

 It's the first day of school, you would have been in senior kindergarden, you would have ben coming through the door and i would have had food waiting for you and your favourite shows would be playing. This is so wrong. I can't stand the sound of children outside having fun, playing, when i don't haea ryour little voice, see you having fun, doing the things little boys do. There is no little hand holding mine, being held up for a pat a cake. There is such nothing, nothing but nothing and soaces that are empty and tear me to peices inside. I don't underatnd why i can hear the chickadees and the bluejays, see the sun shininin g today and you aren't here to experience anything. What an adventure todasy would have been. Eacgh day was about you and only you. MY heart is dying inside of me without my angel child. Oh precious boy hyow i miss you and love you. We were supossed to be together forever you and me.  I used to tell you how the little girls would chase after you, your beautiful smile, blue eyes and curls. I always talked to you. You didn't say much back, you would look at me like i could read your mind, your thoughts, and i really think you thought i could. I wish i could have, I tried so hard sweetheart but it wasn't enough because you aren't here.I love you so much angel boy. Some of your bigger toys were brought to your tree house yesterday. The door will be nailed shut. Nobody will ever play in that treee house again and your toys will remain in it. I have your f.price record player and clock, i used to wind the clock up for you snd the record player. You loved the record player, you would take the records out of the side of it and put them back in and then put them on the player itself. We used to watch it on you tube you knew you had one exactly the same as the video. You were so smart, so special and i can't stand this time without you. There is nothing but empty time and i can't find you. I love you angel baby and miss you so.

Sept.6,2014:

 Little angel baby: Sylena, sara and i went to your resting place. We brought fresh purple flowers to put into your vase, crayons and a teddy bear. I tried to pull up the long grass so all your solar flowers and daisies would glow at night. I left a few glow in the dark stars that were on your bedroom wall. Then, we went to nairn cemetery to see the spot of your baby cousin, and my great grandfather. Sara left a solar light there for the baby. Are you playing with him now, holding his hand, caring for him? Is there someone in our family caring for you. Do you remember how very much i love you my sweet b oy? I always called you angel, never by your given name for you always wee and alwasy will be my little angel baby. OH little pusskin i miss you so much. There is nothing for gramma but you. I tried so hard, i really did. I am so sorry for not knowing, for being tired, my life for yours in a heartbeat, even though i would not be here with you just so you could live. You should be playing like the other kids on the street, riding bikes, doing so many things but you aren't and i can't fix it.  MY soul cries out constantly to God but nothing. And i believe yet nothing. I love you baby bear, my sweet angel boy , you are now and always in my thoughts and heart. I love you with an everlasting love.

Sept.10,2014:

  My precious angel baby: Why do i get to hear the birds and see the rain and you don't? The kids outside are playing, having fun, adventuring. I don't hear your beautiful angel voice, the sound of tinkling laughter, so gentle and sweet, so pure and innocent. I don't see that gorgeous smile or see you lifting up your little hands for me to patacake inbetween them . How you loved that. There is no up and down or dancing, or thomas ttrains, or videos, or kinder eggs and crayons. These things sit idly on your resting spot doing nothing but remembering that you loved them. We went to your spot today, sylena, sara and i. We b rought a crackle solar light, a stepping stone and thomas trains for you. U aren't supposed to be there, you are supposed to be here in the bosum of your family, living a wonderful life full of everyday surprises. But you aren't here, i don't understand it and i can't stop crying. I will never stop crying for i can't hold my baby angel anymore, or sing songs, play videos and tell you how very much your great gramma loves you. I am so sorry angel boy, i love you from the deepest reaches of my soul and i cry out to God to bring my baby back.

Sept.13.2014:

 Precious Angel.Another day without my little one. You are in my heart, my soul, my thoughts my memories, constantly. Every time i see a child, i see you but you aren't here to play. I hate this being stuck in this place without you.This is so wrong;my arms hold nothing but emptiness, my heart is broken into pieces that will never fit together again. I am so angry. I hate the sound of birds singing, of rain, the sunshine, flowers, nature, all these things that live and you do not . You can't see the colour of the changing leaves, or hear the birdsong or the crikets, . I am so sorry little pusskin. I miss you so, No body knows the extent of my love for you, the loss i feel for all you didn't get to do.We were to be together forever, you and me, you were supossed to see that, feel it, know my love and that every sec of my life was for you, only you, nothing else mattered, nothing matters now for my baby angel is not here and i live in constant hell without you. I c ry and cry and nothing. I can only see you in my memories and i watch them constantly and try to hear your laughter in my heart. I would touch your beautiful face when you were sleepng b eside me and you would smile as soon as you felt my touch. You knew my touch and my love. I always kept my hand on you so i could feel you breathing, now ther e is nothing, oh baby boy you are my heart and soul. I love you litttle one forever, always.

Sept.16,2014:

  My precious angel baby; We went to your resting spot this morning. Sylena, sara and I. WE brought6 one of your favourite videos, wiggles, we'll be wiggling with a snowman on the cover.,crayons, flowers and thomas trains. I pulled up some grass and wiped the dirt from your picture. I feel like this cannot be real, but it is and there is no balance, no meaning without you, no life.There is not a second that i do not think of you, look at your pictures and touch them and touch your toys or look at your drawings on the wall. I do not understand why my heart beats and yours does not, why i am here and my precious little angel lies in the ground.This is the ultimate hell, there is no greater then to be away from my angel. MY precious, beautiful boy who only loved, was innocent and pure, so perfect. I love  you so much angel baby, no one knows how much you always will mean to me. There is nothing without you. I am so sorry little one. I tried, i tried so hard.I wanted the best of everything for you but i didn't do enough and my heart breaks over and over again each day and the tears within me have no place to go. I love you my sweet boy and i miss you so.

Sept.22,2014:

 My precious boy. You would be almost six now, a big boy, going to school, bike riding, doing so many things but you aren't here and i don't understand this. I touch your pictures and watch my memories of you, as you played, laughed, sang, smiled at me and held your little habds up for patacakes, oh hoew you loved your patacakes. I am so sorry baby boy, you are supossed to be here, even if God would have taken me instead as long as you could be here. I prayed every morning that God would make you ok and help you to eat. I tried so hard, i was so careful with you. I miss you sweetheart, your little tinkling laugh, i remember your last little giggle. You were watching top of the tots on your mother's computer and you gave such a little laugh, like springtime, a fairy song, it recoded in my heart and i hear it but i don't see you. I can't stop the tears, my soul is bursting. I love you so little one, my angel baby.

Sept.26,2014:
 My little angel. I heard the children's voices when i put the birdseed out this morning. They were holding hands and running on the sidewalk going to the school. I listened for your voice but it wasn't there. I need the sound of your precious laughter, the feel of your hand in mine. But ther eis nothing, nothing at all but a memory i ay over and over in my head and i cry and i can't stop. You aren't here and my heart crumbles and breaks each second of the day and night for my beautiful little angel boy. Oh precious baby angel i love you so much. There was always you and only you. I am so sorry, i know it was my fault you are not here, i tried so very hard to do everything i could do for you and it wasn't enough. I miss you so my little one, my beautiful, sweet boy. I love you.

Sept.27.2014:

 Precious angel: Sylena, sara and i went to your resting spot today. We brought red maple branches, purple flowers, a hot wheels car, crayons and your yellow care bear. All your care bears are now on your lamp post. How you lov ed them and your crayons and kinder eggs. The trees in the background were changing colours and the sun was bright. I ask God daily to bring you back but He has chosen not too. To take me in your place and to let you live. Each day i thanked GOd for my beautiful boy and begged Him to watch over you and to keep you safe. But you are not here and i live in hell each second of this life beacuse i c an't hold my angel in my arms or feel your hands in mone. I don't understand how the trees keep changing colours, how the sparrow and chickadee sing outside the windows and you aren't here to see or hear. What good is the pretty in the colours if you can't see them. the sound of the birds if you can't hear them. There is no life, no light only vast emptiness everywhere without you for there are no thoughts unless they are about you my precious boy. You were just getting your little boy look, your beautiful smile and curls.Why does this world keep going without you, you wee my everything and always will be till God shows mercy and we can be together again. I love you my precious little angel baby.

Sept.29,2014:
 My precious little angel. I miss you so much all the time. There are no thoughts in me that aren't about you, and only you. I am so sorry baby bear that you aren't here, that you didn't get a chance to grow and play and go to school, to ride a two wheel bike. YOur tiger bike sits at sylenas with no little boy to love it. Your outside toys, your sandboxes, how you loved to play in the sand and how i loved to watch you .You would throw the sand in the air and it would land on your hat and everywhere. You would always have a smile on your face and i kept that smile in my heart. You would play on the glider with your mother and i would sit on the treehouse stairs and wave to you. I loved to see you play. I made sure you always had something in your hands, i tried so hard and it wasn't enough. You always had on socks, long sleeved shirts, a hat, a sweater, jackets.I was so careful with you. But you aren't here and there is no joy or laughter or sunshine, there is nothing but empty time i have to live through. The tears run constantly for they will never stop and God does not hear me for we are not together. I love you baby puss more than anything, always and forever, my angel child you are great grammas heart and soul.

October 1,2014:
 My precious angel:
 Sylena and i went to your resting place today.We brought a sunflower, two crackle lights and a box of crayola crayons.I always write your name"angel" inside the flap on the box and "I love you." You should be here  in my arms but your body is in the cold ground. I don't understand why yu didn't get to grow, and i don't have the privelege of picking out your clothes  every day and dressing you. None of this makes any sense. I know you  are in heaven but your little body lies in a box and i can never hold you again or pat acke your little hands. You would raise your hands in the air for me to pat inbetwen them. And you would laugh and smile. Where ar eyour smiles now and your little giggles. I listen for the sound of your voice but i can't hear it. My heart and souls scream at GOd for mercy to bring you back, to take me. I love you little pusskin.

October 3, 2014:
 my little angel baby; The leaves are swirling like in a whirlwind outside, you would have loved to see that, to touch the flying leaves, i see you playing in the leaves and hear your laughter in my heart and then there are tears for it is just a memory, but such a beautiful memory. How precious you are my angel to your great gramma. You should be in my arms, sitting on my lap watching your wiggles cds on this computer right now, but you aren't here.I miss you so much angel, i am so sorry, little puss. i tried so hard and i failed, i love you sweetheart.

October 6, 2014:
 My precious baby angel: You will never be forgotten; for there is nothing else in my heart but you, always and forever my sweet little boy. Our last walk, how you held my hand, how you wanted me to come;your last giggle at the computer, your last crayon, how you gently placed your hand on your bum for me to patacake befor eyou fell asleep. I would always patacake your hands, there were no words i just knew. I would touch your face when you were sleeping and your would give me such a beautiful smile. When you would wake up in the morning , i would left you up off the bed and hold you close to me so i could feel your heatbeat with mine and i would say to you," your heart on mine.' Now i can't hold you, feel your heartbeat, or hear it, only my broken heart that will never be fixed for my precious little angel child is gone. I love you so much little one , i am so sorry. why doesn't God take me and bring you back, even if i could not be with you,for you to have life or to take me and let me be with you. There is nothing her ein this world for me, without you. i love you so much angel boy, my precious little one.

October 8,2014:
 My precious angel: Sylena, sara and i went to your resting place today. I brought a box of crayola crayons. You loved your crayons, kinder eggs, milk ipod, tv videos, netflix, you tube, your soothers, your treasure box, your thomas trains, your record player, music box. Everything was for you. I tried sweetheart and now you aren't here, i tried so hard and i can't stop the tears, there is no end to them. I see children and look for you, imagine what you would look like, think in my head that it should be you holding my hand, sitting in the cart, playing, riding bikes but it isn't. I lov e you so much, never was a child loved the way i love you, always forever you are my heart my life, and now without you, there is such nothing, empty spac e, time with memories, oh such beautiful. precious memories of you. I love you baby bear.

October 12,2014:
 It's thanksgiving. and you aren't here to be with us, to be with me.I am so thankful for the four and a half years that we had together. You were such a miracle, truly a gift from God. I am so sorry i failed you, yes i failed or you would be here and you aren't and my heart cries out to God each day for the injustice of this terrible thing. I miss you so much, nobody knows how my soul screams in agony for my baby angel. You are my heart, my soul and now there is nothing. How big you would be now, almost six, you would have had friends, i would have heard you taking, i miss your "gramma" i miss your pulling my hair, i miss your smile, your touch everything is now so nothing, your hearbeat next to mine. I love you so much baby angel.

October 16,2014:
 My precious angel. There are no words forthis constant torment., this hell without my baby boy. You would be almost six but you aren't here and i can't understand. I miss you so very much, my heart feels like little pieces are torn from it all the time, yet it beats and i want it to stop because i want you and only you.I see you constantly in my mind, look at your pictures  and i remember, i remmeber everything, there is nothin gi do where there is not a memory. a thought, an image of my angel. my beautiful, sweet boy. i love you sweetheart always and forever, my soul cries for you, to meet with yours sometime. please God let my angel and i be together as it was meant to be, my precious angel child, great gramma is reaching for you. i love you.

October 17, 2014:
 It's almost halloween. You don't get to go trick or treating. Your last halloween you didn't want to go out, you didn't understand why all the kids were dressed differently. I scream and scream inside for all the things you never got to do. I tried so very hard to make you happy, to make sure you had everything and every second of my time was only for you. For you were and are always my everything, my precious little angel baby. The dr. failed, everything failed including me, i didn't know there were things wrong inside of you and you couldn't tell me, i should have known, i am so sorry sweet boy. My life for yours in a heartbeat.My life means nothing without my baby angel, without your little hand in mine;there is o hope, no sunshine, nothing at all. I watch the birds and don't understand why they have life and my beautiful angel boy lies in the dark,cold earth. Oh sweet boy, how i love you and miss you, there are no words to describe the nothing in my heart and soul. I love you my pewcious little pusskin.

October 18,2014:
 Sylena and i went to your resting place today. We brought crayons and a disney babies booklet. I put your smily face picture on the book and wrapped it with cling wrap. My mind knows your body lies in the ground but it feels unreal, how can this be? MY precious little boy that i held in my arms, dressed and fed and lov ed beyond measure. How can my beautiful little boy be in the ground/ And not with me. Never tell me heaven is a better place because the better place is with me. My arms are empty, my heart is broken. I am broken. I want my precious little angel baby, my life for yours anything, just please God bring my baby back. I believe dear Lord that all things are possible for those who believe, i believe and i have been waiting, bring my boy back.I watch the memories play over and over again and i listen for the laugh of my precious angel but i don't hear it, the giggles of a child, my child. My heart beats, but i am not alive. And my God is silent, my tears never stop. There is no refuge, no place to go or be but to wait till i c an once again be with my angel boy,I love you my sweet puss.

October 21,2014:
 Precious little angel> I bought you a halloween book ,cailiou happy halloween. You so loved cailiou, you would repeat everything he said in the same tone of voice. And i  bought two light up stix. I needed something for you .You would be going trick or treating, we would all be going, you would have held my hand, your little hand in mine,. but you aren't here and i can't see anything but you always, you are supposed to be here to do these things, to grow and be a little boy, to have fun..i can't bear this, i miss you so very much and love you and nobody knows or cares, I love you sweet angel and i cry and cry .
October 22,2014:
 My precious angel: Sylena, sara and i went to your resting spot this morning. We brought your halloween book and the star and heart glow sticks. The sun was shinning. My baby is in the ground and the sun still shines. I know your body is in the ground but your spirit lives in heaven with God and my family, your family. But you are meant to be here with me, you are meant to grow, have fun, go trick or treating to hide and go "boo." I can't take your body from the ground. I want to stay ther eto be close to your body, the body i held in my arms and that smiled that beautiful, baby smile even in your sleep i would touch your face and you knew it was me and you would smile.When i look at the tress, the birds, the leaves falling off of the trees, the branch you would look at when you would sit in your blue chair, i think you aren't seeing them anymore. You aren't here anymore and none of this makes any sense to me. I love you so very much, there is no degree to which my love for you could ever be measured or be contained, it has no end for you are my all in all always , forever i love you my precious little miracle, my angel child, i love you.

October 24,2014:
 MY precious little angel.I miss you so much..i look for you, listen for you but i can't find you, only in my mind in my memories and always in my heart. There is no angel boy running around, excited to go trick or treating..what makes those other children so special to be here and your body lies in the cold earth and i am alone without you. How can this terrible thing be, there is never another tomorrow, only in dreams and i want those dreams to be real but nothing happens, i can't touch you, frrl your preciopus face next to mine, no heartbeat on mine, no hand in mine, only vast empriness that goes on while my soul cries constantly for my angel boy, my precious sweetheart, you are grammas everything.I love you my beautiful boy and my thoughts are always on my special sweet baby who is missing everything. i love you angel.

October 26, 2014:
My precious angel: My heart and soul cry day and night to God to bring my sweet baby back, back into my arms, my life. How can this be. I watch and watch the memories you made, i sit for hours at the window and watch you riding your bike while i blew bubbles for you so you could drive through them. I watch you counting apples beside me while you are kneeling down. I see you running in the driveway, going for a stroller walk, playing sand, going walking, picking rocks, blowing bubbles. so much, then i look for you are you aren't here, i listen for your voice. It's almost halloween and all those children but no angel. i cry and cry, there is no place left to put the tears, i am drowning an di can't go anywhere for i can't find you. I miss you so much, ther eis nothing in this world for me but you, my precious little angel. Always and forever my angel boy. I love you.

October 28,2014:
My precious angel. Sylena, sara and i went to your spot today, it was raining. That is fitting for ther eis no sunshine in my heart or soul or life anymore bit forever darkness. I brought a box of crayola crayons, your favourite. I wrote i love you in the inside flap of the box. Then, i picked the last two purple and while wildflowers and placed them on the box, then wrapped it up with cling wrap. I wanted to stay there with you, i know it is only your body and that your baby spirit lives now with God, but i want you back to be in my arms, how i miss my angel boy, more than everyone will ev er know or be able to understand so great is my love for you my sweet angel. It is almost trick or treat and it isn't right, i don't want to see all those children dressed up having fun, getting treats when i can't see you, i can't see your smile, can't see you running from door to door with your trat bag open waiting for something special. I don't understand why you are denied a  childhood, and there are so many others that are here. I listen when i hear a child, but i don't hear the sound of my angel's voice, or see you when i see others, i look for you and you aren't here and i don't understand, I love y6ou my precious little angel child yesterday, today, tomorrow, forever, ther eis no end.

October 31, 2014:
 It's halloween again, and my precious angel isn't hee. I know ther eis no halloween in heaven it's a pagan holiday but it's a fun thing for kids and you aren't here to have fun and get treats and my heart cries and cries and there will never be any comfort or relief. Everything is so wrong. I put all your halloween pictures on the fireplace, when you were less than a year and you had on a tiger pj eith the witch hat, then the bear costume, then lots of you in your dinasaur costume, then the last halloween when you tried on the tiger costume but it was snug. then on halloween you didn't want to go out so you played on the computer with your witch hat on and i pushed you in your green car in front of the tv. You had your ghost , white pail and had treats even though you wouldn't eat them, you played with them. I miss you so much little puss, why doesn't God hear my pra butyers, i know i am not worthy but i believe God can do all things. I am so sorry my sweet boy , i am so sorry, i really tried, ther eis no greater love than i have for you, you are my everything, and now i have nothing for seperation from my angel this is hell and i can find no escape. I lov e you sweet angel, you are grammas all in all. I love you.
November 2,2014:
 My precious little angel baby: I love you so much, You should be here now in my arms. Your blankets smell like you, i look for you, listen for you and ther eis silence, dear Lord bring my angel back. You are my everything. You would be so big now, it's almost your birthday you would have been six years old. You are so beautiful, little one, know how much my heart cries for you, rivers fall within me and ther eis no end. There are no christmas songs, no jingle bells, how you loved jingle bells, go santa go, all the christmas wiggles.Thereis nothing but emptiness now, everywhere in everything for how can there ever be anything when you are not here, my sweet boy. You would smile when i touched your face when you were sleeping beside me, i remember eveything and i cry. I love you my beautiful boy.

November 4,2014:
 My precious little angel: Sylena and i went to your spot today. WE brought a box of crayola crayons, and a book with some of your kinder toys and a picture of you.There was a pine tree branch with some cones on it on the ground, i broke a peice off and brought it to your stone and placed it with your things, You played under the trees here in your yard, i always reached up and put the branches in your hand so you could feel the spruce needles, feel the tree. I wanted everything for you and you didn't even get to have a childhood. This makes no sense why God would allow this terrible thing when there is so much evil in the world.A beautiful, precious angel..my precious angel, we were meant to be together forever and now my sweet baby isn't here, This existence here without you is an never ending hell..ther eis only you my angel, nothing else..and i wait, and wait to be with you, I am so sorry sweetheart, i tried but it wasn't enough, i lov e you baby boy more than anything in this world. And now emptiness surrounds me and fills me with nothing, I miss you my little pusskin, my angel baby, i love you,

November 6,2014:
 My precious boy, it is less than a month till your birthday, you would have been six. How big and handsome you would be. My angel, how i miss you, long for you, i would be making supper for you now, for you would have been eating, you would be playing with smarties, kinder eggs and every toy you would have had, your videos would be playing and i would hear the sound of laughter, of giggles of happiness and love, i would hear your angel voice saying, "gramma" but i sit here in the darkness, doing nothing, because ther eis nothing to do without you. I love you so much my precious child. The many things you will never get to do, my heart cannot contain the tears and forever sadness that consumes me all the time. You would have been watching new shows and old favorites, cartoontown, mr magoos christmas, little pony christmas, smurfs christmas, yogi bear christmas, chipmunks, santa claus, franklin christmas, arthur, cailiou but everything is silent. I love you baby boy for all time.forever to eternity and more.

November 9,2014:
My precious angel: It's snowing, you loved to watch the snowflakes and stand on the tsble in front of the window and pull on the chimes. i have a picture of you doing that taped to the window so i can look at it and remember, my sweet boy, how great gramma misses your beautiful face, your little hands clapping in joy, everything was so good when you were here. I am so sorry little one, you are my heart and soul, without you there is nothing, but empty spaces everywhere, empty time. It's almost your birthday, how big you would have been .I love you precious boy always and forever, my heart calls to yours.
November 12,2014:
 My precious baby angel: Sylena, sara and i went o your resting place. Your care bears were all coated in ice.I brought an avon christmas wreath. I recorded a message on it for you, it plays christmas songs and has lights. We left it there on your light pole playing songs. How you loved your christmas music, your christmas videos, aurther, franklin, smurfs, mr.magoo, cartoon town christmas, santa claus the wiggles, you loved go santa go, ull be wiggling, care bears, seasame st christmas, eaiting for santa. So many, God have mercy my heart is breaking second after second for my beautiful boy and nobody understands the depth of my love for my precious boy, oh sweet puss gramma misses you so much. Please God bring my angel child back or release me so i can be with him.You are supposed to be here for your birthday, for christmas. But you aren't here why God why my sweet boy..oh LOrd have mercy i can't keep this up i need my angel please God. Oh sweet puss i miss you and my soul cries and cries for all the things you never got to do. I love you baby always and forever,there is no end.
November 16,2014:
My precious baby angel: I miss you so much, i look for you, i know you aren't here but God could bring you back. Just to hold my angel in my arms and to feel your heart beating on mine, your little hand holding tightly to mine. It's almost your birthday, how much fun we would have had, every second was for you, gramma tried so hard but it wasn't enough and i am so sorry, you know God could take me at any time and He could have my life for yours in a heatbeat, He could have taken my useless life and let you live, i have no life without you, you were grammas life, and light, my everything, now i have nothing but nothing and more nothing for without m y angel baby ther eis blackness everywhere, i love you sweet pusskin.You were grammas little angel, my pusskin, my life and soul.I love you angel boy.

November 18,2014: Precious angel baby: Sylena, sara and i went to your resting place this morning, there was a lot of snow, we brushed the snow off of your spot and your stone. I brought your christmas santa book, i wrote "i love you," inside, i put your beautiful picture on the front cover with two ginerbread ornaments, you would have liked to play with them.We brought a dora book and a cloth snowman. We took down your care bears and put up an angel, an angel for our angel boy, we will bring the rest of them to put on your light pole along with your solar snowmen.The trees on the way ther ewere so pretty, so perfect, just like you, all i could think of was angel isn't seeing this why do i see it without him..nothing makes any sense, you are supposed to be here for your sixth birthday,for christmas, i should be hearing your laughter, the sound of your happy voice, the running of your feet and all that was you and was to be. Why a child Lord..my heart will never know peace and happiness again for my angel boy lies in the cold earth while my soul cries and cries and can find nothing but darkness and emptiness. I am so sorry little pusskin, so sorry. I love you baby boy for all time and beyond.
November 20,2014: Baby Puss; Today would have been the day of the month when sara would have gone to get your snacks, pullups. kinder eggs and thomas trains and surprises, crayons. There isn't a second of this empty time that goes by without my thinking about you. I miss you so much little one, my heart cries to God to bring you back, i wait and wait, i know God could bring you back, turn back time, i look for you, my precious baby angel.Twelve days till your sixth birthday. How happy you would have been, how excited, the tree would be up, singing carols, c hristmas shows would be on the tv and i would hear your beautiful voice. I miss you and miss you, i love you baby bear always, forever my sweet little angel boy, you are all that is in grammas heart .I love you.
November 23.2014: Precious baby: Jody and the kids are coming over today for supper and my beautiful boy isn't here. I think of nothing but you little one. You are missing from my family and i don't understand any of this. I am so sorry pusskin, i tried but it wasn't enough, i am so sorry angel, my life for yours in a heartbeat. There is nothing here in this empty place without the smile and laughter of my angel boy, how big you would have been now, your birthday and christmas next month. I cry inside, outside for you, there are lights up and you can't see them and this isn't right, you deserve so much more and my heart and soul cry out to God for taking such a beautiful boy. MY sweet boy gramma loves you always , forever, there is nothing for me without you for you were and will always be my everything. i love you precious angel.
November 24, 2014:
 Precious baby angel: Sylena, sara and i went to your spot today, it was raining, we brought your christmas angels and your teddy bear, i tied a scarf around his neck and put mitts on his hands, you would have liked that. There are many rives flowing in my heart and soul, i cry and cry your birthday next week and we have to go to your resting spot..injustice, my soul cries out..why why why ? This is wrong, i want to see my baby playing with his birthday balloons, opening presents and kinder eggs and screaming with delight and joy, but nothing, i love you sweet angel always, forever.And i cry to God.

November 25,2014:
My precious angel baby; It's a week till your sixth birthday, you didn't get to have your fifth birthday, no cake, no thomas trains, or kinder eggs, or presents or balloons, nothing, this is so wrong, where is the joy , it is gone. MY beautiful boy, i am so sorry, you are supossed to be here to experience this world, without you there is nothing, my heart and soul cry out to God , He isn't hearing me. I don't hear my angel anymore, only in my memories. How wonderful was the day you were born, the first time i looked at your beautiful baby face, and held your little, tiny hand in mine and felt you next to me in my arms. You are supposed to be here with me, with your family, playing and growing, having cake, being a boy, living your life to the fullest. But my precious little one is not here and i can't stop the tears, ther eis no ending, i am lost in this nothing place waiting for the time when we can be together again. You were my life, my heart and soul, my allin all, my everything, i miss you so sweet boy, you are grammas angel baby always and forever. Ity snowed today and looks so pretty, and you can't see it, how can nature show such an illusion , for it is only an illusion because you can't see it, I can't see the wonder on your face at natures beauty, i can'rt see you, otr hold you, this is wrong, i am so sorry baby boy, my heart for yours anytime, please God bring my angel baby back to me. I love you sweetheart forever and always, the child of my heart.Baby angel.

November, 30.2014: My precious angel: It's two days till your sixth bday. Theres no cake or candles or party hats, no kinder eggs or gifts. Six years ago i was at the hospital praying for your safe arrival now i sit in tears for you aren't here and i just can't understand any of it. Why God why, why did you allow my precious angel baby to die? Help me understand because i never will.It's supossed to be different not like this, not an innocent, sweet baby who barely knew his name, who never did anything and vicious criminals are allowed to live, please GOd. Tell my angel how much his great gramma misses him and loves him. I love you my beautiful angel boy, child of my heart.

December 1,2014: Precious angel baby. Tomorrow is your birthday. I remember waiting for you to be born. How anxious we all wee. Sara had to go for a stress test at the hospital.She had to have an emergency c section, the cord was around your neck and you were in distress. The doctor was there and he probably saved your life. Everybody prayed for you. Sylena watched you being born, I felt that was only right as sylena is sara's mother and i am sylena's mother. You were so tiny, so perfect, so beautiful. You only had four birthdays, you aren't here for your sixth birthday, you weren't here for your fifth. Do you remember in heaven? Does GOd allow you to remember your special day and the love i have for you? I don't understand why my precious angel isn't here. I am so sorry little one. i tried but it wasn't enough, my life for yours in a heartbeat. I pray and ask God to bring you back, i believe He can, where are you sweetheart. I miss you so. Dear God in heaven have mercy and bring my sweet boy back into the arms of his great gramma.i love you angel baby for all time. My heart cries and my arms are empty as is my soul. Happy birthday my precious boy.
December 2,2014: Dear sweet baby: Today is your sixth birthday, we are going to your resting place, i feel so sick so nothing. I look and look for you but can't find you, how is this possible that there is no cake for you, no presents, no nothing, there is nothing, my heart and soul feel dry, are broken, lost dead inside even though my heart beats, i would giver anything to hear the beat of your baby heart. i love you sweet angel boy.
December. 2, 2014: Sweet angel baby: sylena, jody and josh and i went togethr, sara went with shelly, to your spot. It ws very cold, the first few lanterns wouldn't light then three after that did and floated high away, i wish they could have floated to heaven with all the love in my heart and soul. There is only love for you and such a great longing for my angel boy who should be here to celebrate his birthing day. I brought the blue care bear and tied it to your light pole, s dora christmas book, some red flowers and we brought six blue balloons and one big round ball looking balloon. Oh puss, i am so sorry, so sorry my little baby bear isn't here to eat cake and play and live, to grow, this is wrong, so wrong, i can't stop crying i love you my angel boy,,,please God remember angel's birthing day and let him feel the love my heart has. I lov e you sweet angel forever.
December 5,2014: Precious baby angel. Today you would be six years old and three days. I count every second day and night. Your clothes sit on my dresser and i look at them but my little one is not here for gramma to dress and to love and hold close to my heart. I would pick out your clothes each day and have everything ready for you. i would watch you sleeping, i would watch you playing . Your smiles and laughter were so beautiful, such a joy and wonder to me . I am so tired of putting in time here without you, nothing and more nothing to come. Emptiness is everywhere. To see you, to hold you, to be with you. I love you baby pusskin, always forever, my sweetheart child.

December 6,2014: My sweet angel: I don't know what you would look like at six, what you would like, who you would be. I sit and try and imagine it but i can't you aren't here, my every breathing thought is of you and i can't ever stop the tears inside of me, outside of me. There is no greater human love than the love i have for you and the peices keep breaking in my heart and i have no place to put them. I miss my baby angel so much, nobody knows or understands that ther ewas and is only my angel in my heart and soul. when you passed away i entered an everlasting hell of nothing. I want so much just to be with you, there is nothing else ever but my precious little pusskin, my snug a bug. How you liked to pat acake your little hands with mine, to do twinklers with your hands to the you tube video, i remember everything, you loved your christmas shows, you were a christmas miracle, my miracle, my gift from GOd, but He took you back and now i have nothing, You lov ed to watch, mr.magoo's christmas, my little pony very minty christmas, aurthurs christmas, franklins christmas the smurf and chipmunk christmas, care bears, waiting for santa, elmo's cookbook, stewart little, so many shows so many you tube videos, you loved all the videos especially the wiggles, top of the tots the christmas ones, santa running with the reindeer, oh my precious boy, it was all for you . I am so dorry angel, i wanted everything for you, i tried and i failed because you are not here, i would give everything, anything to hold you in my arms once again, to see your beautiful, blue eyes looking at mine, to se eyou smile an dhear your baby laugh . I remember your little giggle, it was so tiiny, watching top of the tots on sara's computer at the wooden table, it was your last giggle, it reached out to me. I loved to wwatch you, to be close to you, i lov e you my precious christmas miracle for all time, an dmy heart screams to God for mercy.

December 10.2014: My precious little angel: Sylena, sara and i went to your spot today, we brought sylena's poinsetta with lots of redish flowers, your snowman lights and your winnie the pooh bear from your room. I put batteries in it. Your birthday balloon still had air in it, how you would have loved it and you would have understood everything, you were beginning to understand. I miss you sweet boy so much every sec of this earthly time, my thoughts are only of you, my angel bnaby, yes mine for grammas love knows no bounds yet i can't see you or touch you. The calender says it's almost christmas but there is no merry without you, you are my everything.Now there is nothing, this is pretend time becaue it was only real when you were here. I will never undrstand how my God could allow this terrible thing to happen. Everything was for you, you were my life, my joy my reason for being, now there is nothing, I love you baby boy, you truly wee my christmas miracle and lo ed beyond all measure.I love you sweet angel for all time.

December 12, 2014: Precious baby angel: Gramma misses you so very much. The hole inside of me that used to be my heart will never fill again. There is nothing without you. I am so sorry sweet boy, i tried so v ery hard, ever second of the day and night but you aren't here and i can't bear this empty time with no baby angel. You should be excited about christmas and be surrounded by love and joy and adventure, learning, growing, instead your baby body lies in a box in the cold, dfark ground. I know your spirit is with God but you aren't here with me. The cries of my heart and soul are not heard. God has the power to bring you back but He hasn't.I look at all your pictures and remember and i cry and cry and reach out and embrace emptiness. Why you, my precious boy? You radiated sweetness, love, purity and innocence. Criminals and evil people walk this earth and someone as beautiful as you is taken. I don't understand this, and i scream within my very soul to God but He doesn't listen. I can'ty look into your eyes and  see your laughter, i can't hear it. I can't hold you in my arms and feel your heartbeat next to mine, My house is filled with tears, my heart beats to nothing and my beautiful angel boy is not here. I love you precious angel forever and ever and i cry.

December 14,2014: Precious angel: Sylena, sara and i went to your resting place today. We won't be going next week as the weather will be bad ,so we went again today. I brought a santa cars and taped a kinder toy, a thomas block and a crayon on it and wrapped it up in plastic. Sylena had a thomas train and sara put up your candy cane stick. I wrote a note to you inside the santa card, i know you will never see it here but, just maybe we can read it together when i am in heaven with you, I love you so much sweet angel. You are my heart and soul , always and forever you and me. I love you precious boy.
December 17.2014: My precious little miracle. And you were our miracle baby, six years ago you were in my arms in the rocking chair listening to away in a manger, we played it on the computer over and over again so you heard happy sounds, you were happy, i am so sorry baby boy, my heart cries and cries for you and my soul jpins in in absulute anguish. It is almost christmas, and ther eis no joy, nothing for my sweet angel baby is not here. I look at your snowman pj on the dresser and your hats and snowman top the red one with the white snowman, you loved your snowman pj and you were buried in them. i can't bear it when we go to your resting place, and know you are in the ground and i am here. I am so sorry you should be here with me, with us, with your family playing and being excited about christmas, why did God take you when you were just starting to know things just noticing things becoming a little boy, ?  I know i am a sinner and i have done so many things wrong, it should be me in the ground not my precious innocent angel boy. We have no more christmas, nothing, i wait for the day i can be with you. I love you my angel, my sweet everything, forever and ever angel boy.

December 18,2014: Pecious little angel: I miss you so much. I walk around touching your pictures and nothing makes sence, one week till christmas and you are missing, why does this keep going why do we still gather for supper and you are not here. how can God see any justice or fairness in this, your journey was just beginning. I remember everything angel..there is nothing else ever for gramma my little puss, i love you.

December 24,2014: My sweet angel. I miss you so much and my heart cries. There is no christmas without you, no nothing, no toys to wrap, no little boy being excited over santa, no stockings, no wonder in anything, but a vast empty nothing. Sweet angel your gramma misses you .loves you beyond measure, your beautiful smily face, always happy, never asking for anything, so perfect. Are there jingle bells in heaven, you would sit on my lap in the bathroom with your santa light on and we would bounce up and down and sing jingle bells. You would clap your little hands and laugh. You loved christmas shows, chritmas music, especailly the wiggles..big red car, go santa go with the kids dressed up as rudolf, my little pony christmas, mr.magoo, rudolf, waiting for santa, santa clause, so much, you loved how to make a clay christmas tree on you tube on my phone when we went to bed, you would always pick your shows in the same order, the night before christmas, twinkle little star, fisher price music box, open shut them, how you would clap and do your twinklers, i love you my special little angel boy always, forever.
December 28,2014: Precious baby angel; I don't have any words left, there is nothing but this empty feeling that will never go away, i miss you so much my sweet boy, i don't understand why this world continues on and you aren't in it. my heart beats but i am not alive, i am just here, i want you so much. Dear God you can do all things bring my baby angel back, i am so sorry angel,i love you with all my heart and soul. I love you little one .
December 30.2014: Precious angel: Today, sylena sara and i went to your spot. We brought a kinder stuffy and hung it on your light pole. I can't understand why you aren't here, i keep waiting and waiting for God to bring you back. We went to walmart and there were a lot of kids there, i kept looking at them and asking myself why they were there and not you. It doesn't make sense to me, it never will, yet i believe God can bring you back. I think of how there could be a miracle and we could go back in time , knowing what we know now, so i could hold you again and look into your beautiful blue eyes and see you smile and hear your laughter. What right does a new year have to begin when you aren't here, ther eis no new year for me, only more of the old one, more nothing, and i can't change anything. I miss you so much sweet boy, my angel who should be running around now, having fun, playing with new christmas toys and laughing, but there is only silence and more silence.I love you sweet angel, my precious little one forever and ever with  no end.
January 4,2015: It doesn't seem real that it is another year, i can't understand how this thing we call time doesn't stop, that the world keeps on going. how can this keep going when youa ren't here, where is the reality of that, youa re missing from here, you belong here hme, how you loved to watch the snowflakes, christmas movies, videos, eat hickory stix, just be you, my beautiful precious boy, I have pictures everywhere but they don't get any older and i can't feel you or see you smile at me or feel you next to me, i can't feel the beating of your heart next to mine or hold the little hans you would hold up for me to patacake, there are no twinklers, nothing no mommy finger puppets nothing,this is what is now but it is nothing, i miss you and love you sweet boy and i am so sorry. I love you little pusskin always, forever, my angel baby,
January 6,2015; precious little angel: This morning sylena, sara and i went to your spot.There was lots of snow, we brushed it off of your things,. We brought a small spruce tree in a pot and i brought one of yuyr dora books and put your picture on the cover and wrapped it in cling wrap. I can't believe this is another year, i can't believe you aren't here and i am and it's not fair, i don't need to be here , but you do and you aren't., There aren't any answers that make sense, ther enever will be, there will never be anything again, for you are not here and i am without you, my sweet angel, i love you and miss you more than words could ever begin to express. I love you my angel boy.
January 9,2015: Precious little one: you are forever, always in my thoughts, there is nothing but you. I don't understand any of this, i miss you so much and i wonder what you would be like now, how you would run and play and laugh and run into my arms and just be with me, you and me together forever sere supossed to be. But you aren't here and i can't bear this never ending time without you. I love you so my little baby bear, my cuddle bum, my precious angel child.
January 11.2015: My precious angel baby: It snowed outside and the trees are cov ered how you would have loved to see it, i hate seeing it now without you, why do i see it and you don't i have no right to see the wonders of this world when my beautiful, sweet boy is in the ground. This is so wrong, i think of you always, there is nothing for me but you and i would give anything to change this but God has not allowed it. I believe my God can bring you back and i wait. I don't care what anyone says. All things are possible with God. Or He could let me go and be with you. There is nothing here for me now without you, i am so sorry little pusskin, i tried so hard but it wasn't enough. I love you baby boy forever and ever there is only you .

January 12.2015: My precious angel; I want to hold you in my arms and tell you how very much i love you, to have reach out to me and smile and laugh. But there is nothing but never ending silence. This is so wrong. I put up some more of your pictures today.I  c an't understand how God could allow this. I know i did many things wrong but i tried so hard, i watched you every second of the day and night. The God i trust took my beautiful boy and i need you so sweet angel. Nobody knows how my heart cries for my precious little boy, for all the things he missed and didn't get to do. I am so sorry sweet baby, God could have taken my life anytime and given you a chance, you were happy, everything was for you and still you are gone, no more sweet angel in my arms, beside me, on my lap, holding my hand or waiting for his patackae or kinder eggs, only memories that stop, they aren't any more, this time keeps going on and on and i can't find you and i am stuck here, oh precious angel, my baby bear, my pusskin, i miss you so. I love you angel.

january 13,2015: Precious angel: Sylena, sara and i went to your spot this morning. I brought a green train that talked, a thomas train with magnetic ends. It was in yur treasure box. You played with it in our room. I held it in my hands trying to feel what you felt, but i only felt a cold train. You loved to play with the magnetic trains on the wooden track in the kitchen in front of the stove. You would take apart the tracks and i would put them back together. Fluffy used to sleep inside the track. How you loved trains. When you used to go into your room i would put the thom,as tracks together and your trains would go round and round. You had a train table in your room and one in the living room. We were going to get you a new one when your money came in, we were going to get you everything. I tried to have everything for you, i tried so hard little one, this is absolute insanity that my beautiful little boy isn't here. My mind knows you are not here but my heart looks for you and my soul screams at God for i want my baby child more thna anything. I love you precious boy always , forever there is onlyyou in my heart, but my arms are emty and rivers of tears surround me and i cry and cry and there is nothing left only time i put in waiting for God's mercy to let me go and be with you. Forever my angel, gramma loves you.

January 19,2015: Precious angel: I love you so much.i miss you, i will never understand. My heart breaks over and over each day when i wake up and reach for my beautiful ,sweet boy and there is nothing but emptiness. Nothing but emptiness everywhere. There is so much you could have been doing now, i am so sorry, i tried so hard but it wasn't enough and saying i am sorry changes nothing for my arms remain empty and my tears have nowhere to go. I am surrounded by nothing for that is all ther eis without you, you were my all in all and will be till i can be with you in heaven. The God i believe in could reverse all this could do anything, i keep waiting and still you aren't here. I love you my precious little one, always, forever into eternity my sweet baby.

January 20.2015: Precious little angel.This morning, sylena, sara and i are going to your spot. It doesn't make sense that my arms remain empty and we have to go to this faraway place to where your body lays in the ground. You are meant to be with me. My heart cries but there is never an answer. Soon, i will be with you, i can feel it within me. I love you sweet boy, my beautiful angel. I am bringing a bumblebee type stuffie with read wings and a heart.It says you are my love bug. You are the love of my heart and soul, for all time and i miss you so.
January 25,2015: Precious angel boy: My heart calls out to you always, i cry to God, i c an't do anything, i tried sweet boy, i am so sorry it wasn't enough, if love was all that was required you would still be here. So much love for my beautiful baby, my sweet angel with curls of gold and eyes that looked inside, your little hand curled up in mine, i see you my sweetheart everywhere even though you aren't here, i love you angel more than anything, i miss you more than words could ever express, i am so sorry, my life for yours in a hearbeat, but your heart doesn't beat anymore, mine beats alone and reaches for yours and i have nothing, never again will i have nothing till we meet again in heaven and my boy is once again next to my heart. I used to pick you up off the bed and say," your heart on mine as i felt the beat of yours blending with mine, now i cry day and night for release from this pretence of existence, why oh Lord why..were my sins so great that my child was taken, where are you lord, keep my baby safe i prayed each morning , i prayed for faith so you would hear my prayer, now my heart holds nothing but tears that never  will stop for my precious little baby angel isn't here, did You need him Lord, give him back to me and all honour and glory is Yours, it is anyway but please Lord give my angel back, You have the power to return him. I love you my sweet boy , gramma misses you, loves you as no other has ever been loved and i hurt and cry . My precious angel, you are my everything

January 27,2015: Precious angel: Sara, sylena and i went to your spot today. I brought a box of pencil crayons with your picture on it and a small winnie the pooh bear and a red heart. Sylena brought a monkey with a heart and sara brought a birdie. I always want to stAY AND TALK TO YOU. i KNOW YOU PROBABLY CAN'T HEAR ME BUT I HOPE GOD TELLS YOU. tHIS IS SO V ERY WRONG, MY SWEET ANGEL SHOULD BE HER EIN MY ARMS LIVING THIS LIFE AND DISCOVERING THE JOYS OF CHILDHOOD AND THE WONDERS OF THIS WORLD, THE LOVE OF FAMILY, BUT YOU AREN'T HERE AND MY HEART WEILL NEVER STOP HUrTiNG, DAY AND NIGHT MY THOUGHTS ARE ONLY OF YOU SWEET BOY. I miss you every second of the day and night, i am so sorry puss, so sorry you are not here, God could have taken my worthless life and left you here. My arms are empty, my precious baby angel is no longer here and all i have are memories, so many memories of your laughter, your hands touching mine, patacakes, oh baby angel my heart cries to yours in despair and begs God to return you to me, I love you precious boy forever and ever.

February 1,2015: Precious angel: another month, everyone will be here today but you are not. Each day i miss you more and more, i love you my angel always, forever, February 3,2015: Precious angel: Little puss, sara, sylena and i went to your spot this morning. we brought a red monkey and a small c eramic birdie. How is this possible, i can't stand the thought that when i am there your beautiful baby boy body lies in the ground in a box. This is insane, i don't want to be here, every day is hard, never easier, but how can anything be easier without you, this is a literal hell and i want to be with you, you are meant to be here with me, you and me together forever, my sweet boy on my lap, in my arms, with me. I lo ve you baby boy and i miss you so my precious child.

February 6,2015: Precious angel: This time goes by like it isn't real. I miss you , miss you and ther eis nothing, this is so wrong. I hold the piece of your hair in my hand and look at the pictures and look for you. When i see little boys coming home, i imagine you are running up the stairs and calling gramma and i would have your food ready and you would excitedly tell me about all your little boy adventures as you had your supper and your kinder eggs, you would be playing with a thimas train while youa te and watching your videos and ipod. You are so beautiful, so sweet, so innocent, always and forever in my heart and soul, my heart and soul that scream constantly to God to bring my baby back. I love you little pusskin more than words have expression. Forever my special little miracle.i love you.

February 9,2015: precious angel: Tomorrow we are going to your spot. This is all so unreal. I went into the storage room today, trying to find the puppy you liked to bring but i couldn't find it. I am bringing your dora book, you loved dora, deigo all of them, i remember everything. it was so hard seeing your toys, i don't get it why, how what right do objects have to keep going when my precious baby isn't here to play with them. How can they just sit there and nothing, everything should be crying out, crying for you, please God bring my precious, sweet little boy back, i want o se eyou playing, see you playing in the sand , watching the sand running through your fingers, throwing it in the air, trying to eat it, you liked the taste of different things, oh little one my heart is in agony, i love you sweet angel always, forever my lost love.

February 10.2015: Precious angel : We went to your spot, sara, jenny , sylena and i. We brought a valentine giraffe and a solar light and i brought your dora book and put a picture of you on the cover,wrapped in cling wrap.WHy aren't you here little one? why i ask myself that millions of times and i don't get an answer. I tried so hard but i didn't know there ws something wrong inside of you, i should have known, i thought all would be ok with all the drs. I am so sorry sweet baby angel. You are my heart, it overwhelms me when we go and i know your body lies in the ground and you will never hear a sparrow sing, unles sthere are some in heaven, there must be trees as the tree of life is there isn't it..but Jesus is the tree of life so maybe it was all symbolic. I can't bear to hear the birds sing or to look at their pretty colours as they go about their bird business..why you sweet boy, why you...why do i have to se eother children playing and running around and i can't see my pusskin? why...oh dear Lord bring my angel back to me, turn back time please Lord..You can do all thigns bring my angel back into my arms for my heart beats but it is dead without my child.I love you swet angel, child of my heart.

February 18,2015: Precious angel: Sylena, sara and i went to your spot today. WE brought a red monkey, a red fabric rose and a pink one. You always seemed to love pink.YOu used to play with a pink purse, you would put it ov er your shoulder. There was a lot of snow, we brushed it all off. I don't understand this, nothing makes any sense, because there is  nothing without you, my precious little sweetheart, You were my everything, my heart, my soul, a part of me,,now there is nothing but emptiness and more emptiness, you filled my life with love and joy and the tears will forever fall within me for my precious baby is not here. I love you baby boy and i cry and cry.



















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